


A Fringe Like Fire

by sassyseme



Series: A Fringe Like Fire [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect - Various Authors, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Cheeky jokes, Chronological, Drinking, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hidden jokes, Little details matter, Lots of drinking, Mass Effect 1, Other, Ridiculous and Serious, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2020-06-26 08:43:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19764631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassyseme/pseuds/sassyseme
Summary: Join this depiction of a ruthless but kind female Shepard. In her defense, juggling relationships isn't easy when you only have one friend and hate small talk. She'll finish the mission no matter the costs, even if she has to throw a turian at bugs to do it.| Brief Nihlus - Some Kaidan - Eventual Shakarian | Explicit Chapters denoted by (//'.'//) | Do comment if you like a chapter.





	1. Eden Prime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The failed mission. Screwed by the Beacon. I'm not shy, Kaidan! [Read time: 12-15 min]

###  **Mass Effect 1**

Debriefing

“What about the colonists?” Kaidan asked in a loud voice over the whipping wind. 

“Get the beacon. That is the mission,” ordered Anderson.

Shepard hissed, “Shut the hell up, Lieutenant,” when he protested. She didn’t like not rescuing colonists considering being _born_ one, but completion of the mission was crucial. It was an order. Private Jenkins listened in silence as she clenched her fists. Such a soldier Shepard preferred, however useful Kaidan’s biotic powers were despite his constant need to speak.

The trio saluted Anderson before their departure. “We’ve got Nihlus’s back, Captain.” 

~*~

Shepard swallowed her words as drones approached and sprayed Jenkins with bullets. “Get to cover, JENKINS!”

His body fell to the ground.

“JENKINS, respond!”

He didn’t.

_“JENKINS—”_

“He’s dead, Commander,” radioed Kaidan.

“Fuck!” She punched a nearby rock, and it shattered under her strength, leaving a slight glow of grey dust.

“He never had a chance…” Kaidan shook his head, kneeling over rubble to close the soldier’s eyelids. His cheeks then flushed at the wild look in her eyes as she approached and yanked his collar. She could punch him in the face then and there and, hell, he’d probably like it. 

“Follow my damn orders unless you want to end up _like him_ ,” the words gritted through her teeth.

Kaidan nodded quickly, unable to force a sound. He remained silent as they moved through the colony, focusing on her instructions and controlling his beating heart. Each tense fire of her shut gun made him flinch.

Shepard almost shot the female soldier that jumped in front of them with hands raised.

**Ashley Williams**

Meeting flowery-voiced, “Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams!” did little to improve Shepard’s mood. She recognized the white uniform from the help transmission and demanded a status report. 

Ashley stiffened, surprised by the commander’s grit, but composed herself and reported.

Shepard listened, thinking more about Nihlus than the mission. They moved again as she assigned orders, listening for intel that Nihlus fed her until his radio silenced. The geth that shot at her didn’t faze her; not the fact that the synthetic creatures hadn’t surfaced for 200 years. But it was a bad sign. To make matters worse, the beacon they needed to retrieve was missing.

Shepard growled, rubbing her neck, ears drumming over static in her helmet.

Nihlus responded. “I’ll wait for you at the spaceport.”

“Williams, to the camp.”

“Aye, aye, Ma’am.”

~*~

Ashley grumbled to herself about the thankless attitude of the commander. She was leading the woman and her doe-eyed lackey everywhere yet only receiving dry orders. Glowing-eyed husks that Shepard gunned down lay dead.

When they stopped at a base camp, it surprised her to see Shepard speak gently to a pair of stranded doctors. She wanted to be jealous of the special treatment but Lieutenant Alenko beat her to the position. 

“You’re safe now.” Shepard’s eyes locked into the doctors, forcing them to believe it. Kaidan gazed longingly. Ashley rolled her eyes, mind drifting until Shepard’s words made her twitch. “Have you seen a turian?” 

One doctor was unsound and shaking but whispered that the turian was behind the attack. Those words made Ashley tense. Hurt brimmed in the chief’s chest. The commander hadn’t come to save the colony even though she was human. She was looking for a filthy alien; the enemy. 

Shepard stripped intel from the doctors and they headed further into the colony. Ashley followed along with clenched fists, seeming to carry a dark cloud with her that even Kaidan could feel. They passed through empty areas with no sign of her comrades.

Ashley finally felt... alone. 

Nihlus is Dead?

“Nihlus, report!”

There was silence. He hadn’t responded in nearly twenty minutes. What the hell happened?

Kaidan put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. “Commander, something may have…”

Shepard smacked his hand away and stormed forward. “Williams, lead me to that station.” She gripped her weapon tight and picked up her pace.

_“We’ve got his back, Captain.”_

She ran, gunning down any husk or geth in her path. Her words meant nothing. The cold sweat on the back of her neck whispered ill tidings. 

“Nihlus!”

Her eyes scrolled the empty station until they settled over his dark figure on the ground. Her fingers tingled with cold, running to him, knowing that he was dead without needing to scan him.

“Commander…” She tuned out Kaidan’s voice, pacing back and forth. He was always talking, always _goddamn_ talking!

Kaidan said nothing further but longed to help. He watched her growl, shaking her head over the dark turian's body. When she looked up and her face showed nothing, Kaidan shared a confused look with Ashley.

“He was an idiot,” said Shepard through tight jaws. She snapped up from Nihlus’s corpse to meet Kaidan's confusion. “Let’s go.” Her voice was husky and sharp, shocking Ashley. The chief was sure the death of the commander’s friend, even if an _alien_ , would elicit emotion from her.

“The beacon!” Shepard barked, marching forward.

Ashley trembled but readied her gun.

“The _mission_ comes first.”

Their journey progressed smoothly—as much as it could after two deaths. Shepard brushed off their concerns of her wellbeing and placed shotgun rounds in their enemies.

Ashley couldn’t deny the commander’s skills. She had seen no one use a shotgun on long-distance and hit the mark-

Her thoughts stopped, swearing in horror at the lieutenant. Kaidan touched the beacon, the _Prothean_ beacon. He rose into the air, consumed by green light and gasping for breath. Ashley stood shocked, unable to help.

Shepard swore, running without a plan towards him. When she shoved him to safety, the green light consumed her instead. That's when everything went red, bloody, and dark. 

Or was it a dream?

* * *

Waking Up

“She’s waking up!” Kaidan shouted, which did nothing to soothe her headache.

Shepard lay on her back, making out details of the Normandy’s medical bay. “Eden Prime…” she whispered, met only with the voice of an older woman.

Dr. Chakwas’s silver bob emerged into view, British accent prime. “How are you, Jean? You’ve been out for fifteen hours.”

Shepard’s neck ached as she pushed from her elbows to sit up. “Just a headache, did you say 15 _hours?”_ She had dreamed of destruction, but _minutes_ of it, not hours.

“It’s my fault,” Kaidan said, pacing back and forth through the empty rows of beds. “I did this to the commander.”

Shepard rubbed her face, following his restless movements. He had red and puffy eyes when she motioned for him closer, and he approached, looking down. She raised a hand and tapped his forehead. “There, you’re punished. Happy now?”

His jaw tightened, hiding a smile.

Shepard sighed, rising from the medical table. “You couldn’t have known, alright?”

His eyes returned to shape, and he smiled with a nod. 

The moment ended and she approached Chakwas to speak about the beacon. “Alenko.” Shepard shifted when Dr. Chakwas mentioned that Kaidan carried her to the ship, one eye visible. “I appreciate it.”

He breathed after she turned away, a hand over his pounding chest.

Shepard spoke with Chakwas further until Captain Anderson entered and dismissed all personnel. He stood tall, tone deep and gentle, nodding to Kaidan and the doctor as they left. Then he turned to Shepard. “How are you?”

Exhaustion hit and her mind rushed through the death she dreamed of, the entire mission, and how Nihlus was dead. She shook her head. “We lost Jenkins... and Nihlus.” Her anger rose. “Why were we fighting fucking geth?”

Anderson sighed, arms crossed in similar sentiment, seeming to hold no answers of the hostile aliens. “Betrayed by one of his own, but Nihlus knew the risks of his job. We have to answer to the council.”

She nodded then looked at the ground; the silence grew from her stance against a medical table. The Captain sensed her fatigue and dismissed her, which she was grateful for. 

Burying her thoughts, Shepard retreated to the cargo bay, further relieved that most personnel were on lunch break. Her body dropped onto the thick mat that lined the center. It was the mat where she had sparred with him. _Nihlus._

“Aargh!” A loud shout escaped her, followed by a deep breath. What good was it to make friends if they died? No, if she couldn’t protect them. She stretched out her limbs like a starfish and began her second shout began when Kaidan’s figure entered from the elevator, confused. 

“Am I interrupting?” he asked. 

Shepard closed her mouth, cheeks tinted. “Just vocal training—for when I yell at ya’ good-for-nothings…”

Kaidan’s mug fell, eyes drooping.

“I wasn’t serious, Kaidan.” She sat up, folding both legs. “If you keep making that expression, I’ll want to kill my damn self too.”

He approached. “I feel useless after this mission with Jenkins and the beacon… and you saving me.”

Shepard scratched at her strawberry-colored pixie cut, watching his body slink closer. “Is there no one else you can talk to?”

Kaidan furrowed, folding his arms. “Why do you always do that?” She raised a brow, somewhat shocked. “You’re dismissive, it makes you hard to get to know.” He sighed, seeming to realize his accusing tone. “You’re only nice to Joker. Not to be rude, ma’am.”

Shepard lowered her brows and pressed her lips together. “Joker and I are more acquainted.” She then laid down, arms behind her head. “I don’t do favorites.” 

Kaidan lowered onto the mat, keeping two meters distance. “Well, I’d like to be too,” he murmured through a pout.

The sounds of the ship muffled the tension until she spoke again. “I don’t hate the crew or anyone. I’m not a talker which you should already know.”

Kaidan scoffed. “Yeah, like how you charm every civilian we meet.”

“I’d _never_ lie, LT,” she hissed, before adding, “Small talk isn’t my forte—”

“Commander, wait.” He rubbed his face with both hands. “You’re saying you haven’t spoken to anyone for months because you’re _shy?”_

She bolted upright, brows pressed together, and a finger pointed. “I did _not_ say that, and you had better _not_ spread it around.” 

“But yes?” He raised both brows.

“ _No, Alenko.”_ She folded her arms for comfort, with heated cheeks. _This idiot. “_ I don’t start conversations unless they’re necessary.” Her eyebrow twitched at his growing grin. “And they’re _not_.”

He beamed. “I thought you just didn’t like me.”

“I don’t.” His face fell. 

“At least, not completely.” His face rose again. 

“Never mind.” He fell. 

“I’m kidding.” He rose.

A laugh broke out from her. _What is this, a praise kink?_ Her smooth cackle surprised him but warmed his face, forcing a smile to reach his eyes. The words weren’t lies, part of her didn’t like him, but there were few people that Shepard _did_ like. Hell, she had _one_ friend! Nihlus had set the bar in iron.

“Alright”—she wiped her eyes, shooing him away—“message received. Be ready for council space.”

Kaidan stood from his spot, shuffling to the elevator with a pep in his step. He’d half-expected her to eject him from the airlock for speaking so casually. But she hadn’t... that fact left a soft tingle against his skin.

Exhaustion resumed as she made a note of the energy required to keep the lieutenant’s emotional state up. _I’ll throw him out the airlock later._ Did she have the authority to do that? That didn’t matter, she’d find a way.

~*~

Joker’s voice commed. **“‘The only thing worse than a sad idiot is a happy one.’”**

“I’ll drink to that.” Shepard chortled, the low tittle of a dying woman rather than a laugh. She recognized her own words in his statement. “Wait, is this your fault, Joker?”

His chuckle entered the comm. 

**“It definitely _is not_ , Commander, no lie!”** he hesitated, **“ _But_ this humble pilot _can_ see benefits if he bothers you. I can watch my vids in peace and fly the ship without crashing.”**

Shepard let out an exasperated shout. What the hell could he crash into in dead space? “How am I supposed to watch _my vids_ in peace?” Regret filled her with the wonder of why she had ever befriended the pilot.

*

_Shepard entered the bridge to give a status report. Most of the crew was asleep._

_“Jeff?” She struggled. “Joe? Jake?”_

_A man with a baseball cap whipped around in his chair, surprised. “Oh, hey! New commander, this is appropriate and educational.” She narrowed her eyes at the small screen, and he could feel her scrutiny and partial shame until a smile emerged on her lips._

_“Well, I’ll be—if that isn’t Commando Party 2. How’d you get a VPN in this system?”_

_Jeff could see a twinkle in her eyes that told him a member of his kin had arrived._

_‘Finally,’ he thought, ‘Someone cultured on this ship.’_

_“Hell yeah, it is! I’m Jeff, but just call me Joker. You’re Jean, right? I mean, Commander, cause’ you out-rank me. For now, that is. So let’s talk about—”_

*

Shepard opened her eyes and smiled.

 **“You know,”** he stretched the words, **“They released a new Commando Party. It’s called Afterparty.”**

She scoffed. “I’m over that train wreck. Left for Bed is _way_ better.”

**“As if. Reviews say it’s like seventy percent dude action.”**

She rolled her eyes then grinned. “With no strings attached? Sounds like is a paradise.”

**“Not happening.”**

“And you think Commando Party 3 was better?” she spat. “I saw the extended cut, it was all asari commandos and one guy!”

 **“Not _one_ guy, a man of _culture_ , Commander, _culture_. We salute his bravery.”** Joker cackled, unable to hold in his laughter over the intercom while Shepard held her stomach, rolling as she laughed on the mat with the idiot. 

“Pervert.” She wiped her eyes.

**“Hey, hey, we don’t use slurs on this ship.”**

They chuckled until there was silence. 

**“I’m sorry about…”** Joker’s voice trailed off. She could hear beeps and clicks. **“Gimme a sec.”**

The ship creaked in his silence.

“You’re looking up his name, aren’t you!?”

**“I’m not!”**

She heard more beeps.

“It’s _Nihlus_! Asshole,” she snapped. “I thought we would be... friends.” Shepard’s voice trailed off. He’d be her second friend made on the ship in the months she had traveled, even though she’d only known the turian for weeks.

**“Just friends?”**

“For fuck’s sake, he’s dead, Joker! That’s an inappropriate joke!” She didn’t mean to take her anger out on him, but having Joker check-in was better than facing her thoughts alone. Still, she made a note to tell him fewer details, like how she thought the turian was “kind of cute” once. Who knows what she meant by it, turians looked hardly human.

He was silent for a moment. 

**“Well, I’m still here. I’ve got tons of friends, but I can squeeze you in if you make an appointment.”**

Joker clicked off. 

*

Shepard shook her head, unbelieving of the pilot’s wit. First, she had one friend—they couldn’t agree on quality films. Second, on the failed mission a Prothean beacon mentally fucked her. Third, she’d lost her second friend. And now, Kaidan was being… Kaidan. _Sigh._

The Normandy would be in Citadel space soon and she’d have to face the ambassadors. A normal woman would be crippled by the one day she had, let alone the years in space. Shepard almost _wished_ the council would quarantine her for craziness. 

“I’m insane.”

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my first fanfic (like, ever, lol)! ^-^ do excuse my jokes


	2. The Citadel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The council are idiots. Garrus Vakarian. Aliens on the ship. [Read time: 14-20 min]

Council Fools

“Humanity knew of the risks when you went into the verse.” 

Shepard’s brow twitched. The asari councilor’s words were final and her blue face was unsympathetic. The monitor went blank, leaving them empty-handed.

Donnel Udina—a human diplomat and _equally_ unhelpful man—muttered about the “waste of time” that was their mission. He spoke as though the air tasted foul to him and his tongue brushed over Nihlus’s name in an accusing tone.

“Are you implying,” her finger touched the handle of her pistol, “that _I_ killed Nihlus?”

 _“The council first,”_ Kaidan whispered low as Udina spoke to himself, pacing the room and unaware of his soon-to-be funeral.

Shepard loosened but stormed out of the office, surprising the councilman. She slammed a fist against the wall, making nearby turian guards twitch.

Kaidan followed until Ashley grabbed his shoulder, shaking her head. The fool was trying to get himself killed being extra persistent. Cooling down, Shepard sauntered down the diplomat corridor and they trailed her at a distance in case she blew anyone’s head off their shoulders. That was safest for all parties.

The lieutenant tapped his fingers against his thighs, desperate to ease the tension. “It sure is peaceful.” He motioned to the blue clear skyline over the embassy balcony.

Ashley narrowed her eyes over the view. “It’s too perfect.”

“How could these people know what’s out there.” He reasoned, and then stopped when the hair on his neck stood and whipped around to find the commander gone. “ _Command-_ ” A knocking at the nearby office alerted them.

~*~

Shepard knocked again on the door frame, announcing her presence. Kaidan shuffled into the room behind her, heart pounding from the short sprint just as she asked, “I heard distress, are you alright?”

Kaidan had heard nothing and cocked his head confused. Ashley’s skin itched when noticed only aliens in the office: two elcor and a volus. Shepard invited herself to a seat, folding one leg over the other and staring at the elcor closest to her.

“Tell me about your problem.”

Kaidan shifted. He hadn’t known if the alien had a problem or if Shepard was hearing things. He tapped his fingers nervously, blaming himself for her odd behavior. His visit to the cargo must have angered her, despite her laughing. Or, she was losing it after touching the beacon, hence, still making it his fault. 

His eyes shifted—

 **“Saddened tone,** it is alright human. **Melancholy voice,** everything is going wrong,” the elcor spoke monotone describing its own speech. Elcor were grey-shaded and towered at eight feet, taller than even krogan. But they were gentle giants and ambled. 

Shepard angled her head upwards and asked questions until it shared its problem. Her vow to help amazed Kaidan. Such generosity was beyond him in the face of their mission. 

Ashley narrowed her eyes. The display of kindness didn’t match the cold woman who gunned through geth a day ago. “Why does it talk like _that_?” Ashley crinkled her nose. 

The short volus watching them snorted through his oxygen mask as Shepard sighed. “Elcor don’t communicate through vocal expression. It’s easier for them to describe what they say first.”

The second elcor chimed, “ **Esteemed response** , human. I see that some of you, **emphasis** , do really care.”

The volus inhaled through his gas mask, crossing his arms. He said nothing else.

Garrus Vakarian

Shepard tapped her foot in the embassy lift, awaiting the council meeting. The elevator dinged and she sauntered down the long walkway, passing two turians arguing. The hierarchy was clear from their body language. 

_“Saren!”_

She froze, casting a gaze on the blue-eyed turian. He pleaded, “I need more time!” but the white-faced superior threw his hands up and left, an angry sashay about him. The lone blue turian stood with fists clenched until Shepard’s cold glare made him shift. 

“Commander Shepard.” He acknowledged, voice deep and metallic like an engine purr. She placed a hand on her hip, head tilting towards him. It surprised her to hear him acknowledge her, but she didn't show it.

He deciphered her stance as being patient, then spoke. “I’m Garrus Vakarian. I- am- _was_ in charge of the investigation into Saren.” 

Her neck creaked upwards as he approached. He was huge, bigger than Nihlus was. She clicked her tongue, forced to step back. 

“Why Saren?”

“I don’t _trust_ him,” his tone became intense. Shepard nodded, but the rise in octave made Ashley twitch a finger over her gun. Garrus then sighed, hostility gone, and she released her hold. “Spectres are classified, I can’t pursue it.”

It was unfamiliar but welcome to see another as bent on bringing Saren to justice as she was. And as frustrated. She owed it to Nihlus to kill Saren. Her jaw tightened, reliving when she found him on the ground before Kaidan interrupted.

“The council meeting, Commander.”

Garrus blinked, hearing his words, and took a step backward. He felt her eyes flicker over him as she passed in silence. Most human women were small, as was the commander, but he couldn’t relax until she left. 

Shepard made note of his name: Garrus tall-as-hell Vakarian. 

~*~

Surely, it had taken longer to get to the hearing than to hold it. It ended in minutes. _Minutes!_ The council was sharp-tongued and uncaring about Saren’s crimes against humanity, about an entire human colony attacked. 

“There’s nothing to support these allegations,” Shepard mocked the tone of the asari councilor, pacing back and forth. “Why draw on if they would say no!?” She punched the air. “And that turian bastard- he called my visions _reckless imaginings!_ ”

Unbeknownst to her, the crew considered it a success that no one died during the meeting. Kaidan’s relief showed when the color returned to his cheeks as they left.

Shepard shook her head in disbelief. What if one day she had to save those ungrateful sons-of-bitches in robes? She threw a fist again, growling under her breath. Any civilians near her had departed from fear of a hostile woman.

“Yeah, but you’ll find a way commander!” Kaidan chimed.

She beamed back at him, tone opposite her expression. “Really, Alenko? Any _bright_ ideas or just the usual ones?”

He crossed his arms in defense as she drew closer. Despite the tinge of pain at her retort, his pout said, ‘I only wanted to help’.

Ashley interrupted, unbothered by the tension. “What about the turian? His case was unfinished, right?” she asked with crossed arms. Whether Ashley meant to be helpful was beyond them.

Shepard’s eyes lit as bright as her hair. “Yes.”

 _“Yes?”_ Ashley’s eyebrows dove, having half-expected rejection.

“Yes, Yes, Yes.”

~*~

 _Oh no, no…_ Kaidan’s anxiety heightened at the situation playing in front of him. Ashley seemed relaxed about the potential homicide Shepard could—and would—commit, but he wasn't.

“Tell me where I can find Garrus Vakarian or I’ll knock your teeth out, one by one, and that’s just the appetizer.” She banged a fist on the table that Officer Harkin sat at.

Kaidan’s eyes loomed over her gun-hand then he pleaded with the man. Harkin glanced between the two before throwing back his drink. He gave her the information that she demanded and grumbled about women not knowing their place _these days_. 

Kaidan sighed in relief.

The drunk officer’s catcalls had only pissed off Shepard, and she was especially on edge after talking to a lovesick turian general whose biggest problem was his own gossip. With Harkin's information, she could now help the elcor from the embassy office.

Kaidan didn’t know why she picked up so many errands of distressed citizens when she was in a bad mood, but he valued his life too much to ask.

Before they departed the club, Shepard ordered a strong drink from the bar and downed it. Her nerves loosened, but the Citadel’s easy-going atmosphere still stressed her. The only worthy distractions were listening to the qualms of anyone they passed. Any errand was better than her own thoughts. She replayed visiting the empty colony and her fallen comrades until the alcohol slowed everything down.

~*~

Garrus held a pistol to his chest. Despite his size, he crouched behind the medical bay column, hidden from a group of thugs who held Dr. Michel, a thin woman with a burgundy bob, by her throat. She cried, “I don’t know anything!” Time was running out. Her information was too crucial for her to die. 

_Now!_ He hissed to himself, ready to jump into action.

 _Click_ —the med bay doors opened and—Commander Shepard?—appeared.

Garrus gaped.

Shepard held a pistol with one hand, her stance casual as she shot the men. She sunk into a hip and replaced her rounds, eyes fleeting over her joyless sigh. Her crew ran to cover but Shepard stood at the door, half-finished the job, and with no intention of ducking for cover.

Garrus picked up his jaw before skimming off a man in her blind spot, then he rolled to Dr. Michel who curled in the corner whimpering. His large frame was enough to keep her covered from stray bullets, and his mandibles clicked, a smirk forming as he met Shepard’s black orbs.

He closed his jaw. “Hell of an entrance, and perfect timing.”

Shepard’s scent grew closer, something like rosemary. And bourbon. She seeped pure confidence and a tinge of alcohol. Her humans followed, and he took note of their scents as well. Anxiety emanated from the male with her while the female seemed to look down on him even as he towered over her. 

“Your shot was clean.” Shepard didn’t break eye contact. Her shadowy spheres held Garrus, forcing him to listen as though he were back at training camp facing praise from a turian sergeant. 

Rubbing the back of his head with a three-fingered claw, he said, “Sometimes you get lucky.”

“I doubt it.” She broke the gaze and spun on her heel, leaving him to compose himself and slow his heart. It relieved her that Kaidan was already questioning Dr. Michel about Saren. There was something good about an earnest fool. The information he gathered led to an unknown quarian with evidence that could hurt Saren’s spectre status.

Her senses dulled, processing the new facts with a lightened mood. “Find her. Get her evidence. Bring down Saren,” ordered Shepard.

The two stood at attention and saluted.

Garrus sensed her confident scent decrease as she left, as well as the small high it left in his head. His chest tightened, now surrounded by the room's draft. Forget instinct, damn sense told him a rare opportunity lay in the midsts of passing. He balled his fists. _“I’m coming as well!”_ Shepard stopped but didn’t turn, one eye visible as her lips curled. He continued at greater intensity, voice rising, _“He’s a traitor, a disgrace to my people—_ ” 

She lifted a fist, silencing him. And he cursed his strict training that complied with the military motion. Then her palm extended outward and she made a pulling gesture before leaving in silence. Garrus stood dumbfounded. 

The anxiety-scented man cocked his head. “Pretty much, don’t keep her waiting.” 

Garrus’s jaws tightened as he trailed after with a bitter taste at his tongue. Who would have known the great Commander Shepard had a human translator?

His heart pounded with each step, rushing past the busy hallways of the Citadel. The hot-head turian in him that didn’t want to follow protocol had awakened from a long rest. _Finally, some action._ Shepard sent the female soldier to report, then she headed into motion with Garrus and the male he learned was Kaidan.

~*~

“I killed fifty guys. Save me some bullets.” 

Garrus clicked at her exaggeration. The men smelled hostile to him. They were better off taken out. He didn’t expect her words to hold weight as their heartbeats increased, but the workers dropped their weapons and left the club, mumbling about her attitude, though scurrying quick-paced. 

Kaidan smiled, eyeing the commander. He gave off a flowery scent when he approached her. _Oh, I see._ Garrus mused.

Hell, suppose he was wrong about the workers, that was only one thing. He still kept his opinion careful of Shepard, eager to see more of her handiwork. And she obliged, however unknowingly, quipping out orders that pulled him into focus. Garrus found that he, a C-Sec detective, could only watch as Shepard tuck-and-rolled into the VIP room throwing a grenade at two turrets. She landed a bullet in the gun arm of the man they were after, Fisk.

But the feeling of awe quickly faded. Garrus’s disappointment showed when Shepard didn’t kill Fisk. He had given them what they needed, keeping him alive was pointless. Due process was the way of the law, but some criminals were better off the street for good. That reasoning he explained with his glare.

Her dark eyes reflected back against the blue glow of his sniper visor, seeming to understand him. “He’s a dead man after betraying the shadow broker.”

Garrus said nothing in return, mandibles twitching. He conceded to her logic, though, he would have finished the man. Better safe than sorry.

* * *

Captain Shepard

“I don’t like this.” Shepard shook her head, staring into Citadel space. “I’m replacing Anderson.”

“It’s an honor, Commander.” Joker punched in coordinates to release the upgraded Normandy from the docking station. “We can do whatever we want now.”

“We?” Her brow lifted.

“Okay, you, but seriously, watch your back. Anderson survived a hundred missions and look how he fast got screwed out of his position.”

The distance between the ship and the Citadel widened. The cockpit dashboard revealed the city's elegance with its tall buildings and clean highways. Such a paradise only existed for rich fools to avoid worldly problems. Shepard’s jaws clenched.

The second council meeting went smoothly after she rescued the quarian and solicited evidence that incriminated Saren. Udina promoted Shepard to a spectre and placed her as the new Captain of the Normandy. Having spectre clearance got her closer to stopping Saren, but it happened too fast. The reward tasted sour in her mouth.

“It’s been a long day.” She sighed, placing a hand on the shoulder of his chair to still herself. 

“Well, we lost two guys but gained three alien badasses. That’s a net gain in someone’s books.”

Her eyes flickered over his motions, diagnostics running on the orange flight panels. “Doesn’t feel like it.”

Shepard knew that it unsettled the all-human crew when she boarded with a turian, a quarian, and a krogan mercenary found by chance at the C-Sec waiting area. Anyone would be spooked if someone who had never spoken to them, unless a soldier, was now in complete charge of them. The sudden change could disrupt the flow of the mission, and that thought sat with her. She brushed aside Joker’s arm and took control of the navigation plane, attempting to set a comm channel that the entire ship could hear. 

He adjusted settings and then nodded.

“Listen,” she spoke after clearing her throat. “This is Shepard, your... captain. This mission won’t be easy. The council is full of idiots, but know that Saren cannot hide from us. We will hunt him to the edge of the galaxy and bring his traitor ass down for humanity and the colonies that are missing. I need everyone at their best for this trip. We can’t have more losses like Jenkins… so, if you need something, ask. Shepard out.”

She leaned back on her heels, inhaling a deep breath until her chest hurt.

“Well said, my captain, well said.” Joker smiled, adjusting his baseball cap. “I’ll set a course for… Feros? Or is it the archaeology dig?”

“Flip a coin.”

“I _really_ will.”

“Good.” Shepard pivoted and backtracked through the bridge, eliciting applause from crew. The cheers didn’t stop when she reached the mess hall, and her expression remained tight as usual.

“Great to serve under you, Commander.” “We’ll kick Saren’s ass!” “Good to hear your voice, Commander.”

Garrus moved out of her way as she sauntered past, his sizable presence alerting nearby crew to step back and halt their praise. _“Elevator. Down,”_ her voice whipped at a whisper, clear to his sensitive ears.

“What was that?” Tali’Zorah nar Rayyah, the quarian technician, asked. Her synthetic voice was a high pitch with something sweet about it.

“We’re stationed below.” Garrus pressed the elevator, a purr in his throat. He noted how fickle the surrounding humans were. Minutes before the commander’s speech, he heard their qualms of concern for her replacing the previous captain. Such complaints weren’t unheard of on turian vessels, but a good turian was loyal to the mission first. 

“She handles things well,” the mercenary Wrex interrupted his thoughts. Wrex’s voice was rough and throaty like most krogan, and he towered inches over Garrus who was already above six feet tall. He took the elevator down first, a fair choice with his broad size.

Garrus agreed as the doors closed. He entered next with Tali, ducking his head in the cramped space.

“It is exciting to be on board an advanced ship!” Tali twiddled her hands. Her voice rang loud in his ears. She was closer to his height than Shepard, and the crew’s hostility didn’t seem to bother her.

 _Of course, it doesn’t._ C-Sec always suspected quarians of thievery and interrogated them. A tinge of guilt touched him until the woodsy scent of the commander emerged, her gun stopping the doors from closing. He shifted, taking in her presence before she entered the cramped space. The mess crew eyed the elevator while they descended. When the doors closed, Garrus heard breaths of relief. _Fickle humans,_ he scoffed.

The crowded space didn’t put Tali off. “Thank you again for letting me join your crew, Commander!” her electronic yip bounced off the walls.

Shepard raised a hand. “I know talent when I see it.” She was inches shorter than the quarian, allowing Garrus’s eyes to shift over her fringe. The bright color was reddish-pink like fire. Suiting for such a strong presence.

The doors opened.

“Took long enough,” Wrex grunted. His thick voice made nearby crew flinch. A weapons table near lay his guns. The presence of now _three_ aliens alerted the crew, but they said nothing upon seeing Shepard.

Garrus sniffed the air, finding fear and hearing rising heartbeats. A familiar smell cocked his head to a corner of the bay where the female-human sat on the edge of a desk, arms folded, silent. _Great._ His eyes rolled.

Shepard walked through a pair of doors hidden behind the elevator, motioning to Tali and Garrus. Tali seemed better at understanding human gestures than he, so he followed her lead. The engineering deck had multiple stations facing away from each other and overlooked a giant drive core that powered the ship. 

“Oh, Keelah!” Tali squealed, “This is amazing, Shepard!” She ventured into the engineering deck. The crew didn’t notice her, absorbed in their calculations.

“You’ll be with Addams, Tali.”

The man at the most central station facing Shepard lifted his ear muffs. His eyes drifted lazily from turian to quarian then to the commander. “More help?” Addams asked, placing back on his headset. “Good.”

Garrus’s jaw relaxed. Thankfully, one sane human was on the ground floor, even if he looked as though he hadn’t rested in years. Addams’s senses were steady as he acknowledged them and returned to work.

Shepard clicked her tongue. “Trust me, he’s friendlier when he sleeps.”

The engineering crew now noticed Tali’s presence. She took a place at a station, sifting through data and giggling in excitement. Two engineers shared curious looks with Shepard. She nodded, and they relaxed, appearing grateful.

Garrus had to wonder what the crew had gone through in the past hours to overlook an alien touching fiddling through their machines. He had left to get his few possessions before joining the commander but knew the ship received upgrades. The engineers reminded him that all humans weren’t fickle, and his tension eased.

_Pwap pwap!_

He darted his eyes for the sound until they locked on the commander. Her fingers brushed each other but made a _whip-tap_ through the air. He tilted, marveling at the sound, then met her pursed lips with a heated neck, embarrassed for his lack of focus. On a turian ship, he’d face a reprimand for such disrespect.

“Do you need me anywhere?” He followed her into the cargo bay. “Commander?”

“You’re not in C-Sec anymore, Dorothy.” Her reply astonished him. His jaws clicked, unsure whom she named. “Do whatever you’re most useful. I trust your skills.”

Looking around the room, various gadgets caught his eyes. Near the end of the large bay was the mako, and by squinting at its braces, he identified weak bolts. “Calibrations,” the word vibrated the air thick. When he whipped back, the elevator doors opened, and she stepped inside.

Her voice whispered tiredly and left a tinging in his ears. “See to it, Vakarian.” 

Garrus’s mandibles widened in a smile. Trusting him wasn't a mistake she'd be sure of that soon if he had his way. He gazed over Wrex polishing a gun and then back at the empty space near the mako. The small cargo crew flinched when a low, guttural laugh escaped him. One thing was certain; he wasn’t in C-Sec anymore. Compared to his desk at the Citadel, the Normandy was well-deserved freedom.

He laughed again.

~*~

Shepard’s shoulders dropped when the doors to the Captain’s quarters—now her quarters—closed.

Her comm clicked.

*

“ **Commander** -”

“I don’t want to be bothered for a while, Joker,” her voice was raspy before she downed a small water bottle from the mini-fridge.

“ **Affirmative. ETA three days** -”

He clicked off, not mentioning the destination. Good, she couldn’t procrastinate over it.

*

The bed creaked as she collapsed, grateful to stretch out. Her eyes loomed over the automatic doors and the green glow changed to red. She half-chuckled, thanking Joker for his clearance, before allowing exhaustion to take her. Her omni-tool beeped, and she opened a message sent one minute ago. 

The bed creaked as she collapsed into the soft sheets, grateful to stretch out on anything but a standard bunk. She would have rose to lock her door panel, but the green glow changed to red, indicating that Joker deactivated it. _Sigh, thank you._ Then she shifted her eyes, catching a message on her omni-tool. Who would even be sending anything to her so late? Though, it could also be morning on literally any other cluster.

_“Found this Gem! You’re welcome!” -Joker_

_“The Talonator_. Critically acclaimed for special featuring of human and turian relationships?” She read and scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Joker, you asshole.”

The movie played on her screen as she lay under blankets. After the opening credits, scenery showed a military academy and a distressed turian pining over his crush. Her eyes flickered and then closed as the turian spoke of a woman. Sleep took her, leaving her mind to flash over images she saw on Eden Prime, death and destruction and then nothing. In the abyss of her dreams, Nihlus visited her, asking to spar as he always did.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Joker as one of Shepard's first real friends.


	3. Nihlus Kryik (//'x'//)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before the Eden Prime (Ch1) A Dream: Sparring, Nihlus Kryik. 
> 
> [Chapter includes: ...Alien sex? sort of lol]

The Cockpit

“I don’t like him.” Joker shook his head. “The guy gives me the creeps—like—his _stare_ could break all of my bones.”

Shepard knew he was speaking about Nihlus, the turian spectre on board. She crossed her arms, listening in silence. Before Nihlus, the ship was all-human. Kaidan nodded his head from the co-pilot seat, making her twist her mouth to the side.

He chimed in, “I don’t like him either.”

Joker laughed, voicing the same thought as she. “You’ve never even spoken to the guy.” _Damn right, he hasn’t_. 

Kaidan’s cheeks heated. “W-well, I don’t have to to know he’s off. I see how he probes around like he’s finding things about us.” His fingers tingled, cold. “And I don’t like the way he looks at the—”

“Commander!” Joker jumped in his chair, clutching his heart. Her hand removed from his shoulder as he heaved. “Don’t do that! Gosh, I could’ve crashed the ship!”

Slumping into his chair, Kaidan’s mouth shut. He then angled his dark hair to view the commander, the hallway behind her a blur. The galaxy in her eyes met him and he turned away, feeling more like a child than a man for being so immature.

Shepard’s pitch rose, “Definitely didn’t take _you_ as one to gossip.” Joker threw up his hands, ranting before realizing she was smirking, and then he laughed with her. The quick changes in mood were usual for him.

Kaidan’s flushed deeper at the honeyed tone of her laugh. It made him press his nails into his palms. She never smiled when speaking to him or anyone who wasn’t the head pilot Joker. 

“Oh, come on! I’m just tired of transporting dangerous people.” Joker adjusted his cap, chuckling. “Not that anyone is more dangerous than you, Commander.”

“Yeah, yeah, back to work.”

She smiled and pivoted, her strawberry-tinted hair shifting, shorter than her ears and curly.

“Commander.” Kaidan turned in his chair. “Isn’t there anything you can tell us about him?” 

Shepard narrowed, causing Kaidan to squirm. “I give information on a need-to-know basis, LT.” Then she left the cockpit, tan skin reflecting orange against the floor lights.

He pouted, crossing his arms.

“Not much I know either,” she admitted to no one.

The Spectre

Nihlus Kryik was tall, towering over most crew female crewmembers. He wore a dark grey battle-suit with red trim and had a brown skeletal face lined with creme-colored markings. All turians had markings specific to their family traits and clans.

The doors to the training room opened.

“What a surprise,” Nihlus’s voice emanated in its usual honeyed tone. 

Joker’s words echoed in her ears: _“I don’t like him.”_ The statement was brief but made her shiver. Even she wondered why the crew needed a _turian spectre_ for a simple pick-up job on Eden Prime, but the thought left her. 

Shepard _almost_ understood why the crew wasn’t fond of him. That is if they didn’t base their fears on prejudice. His voice itself was condescending. “Maybe it’s your ugly mug they don’t like.” Though, she was fond of the turian. 

Nihlus gave off a dangerous air, likely for him dressed in all-black and gazing over the crew with a watchful eye. In-person, he was curious and smiled a lot, as much as a turian could. He asked questions about herself and her work. 

“If they don’t trust me, I can’t help it,” he said, approaching the crate where she sat unlacing her boots. Shepard looked over him. He seemed shorter than turians she’d seen on the Citadel but still towered over her and had a stern presence about him. 

“Are they scared because you’re a turian or a spectre?” 

“Perhaps a bit of both.” He sat on a stack of crates, a clear drink raised to his leathery lips. His armor lay neatly on the floor, revealing a fitted black outfit, a smooth material that hugged his body. 

She didn’t respond, so he stood from his box asking what she expected. “If you’re here to train, why not spar with me?” He wanted a rematch from their last fight. Typical, he always occupied the training room.

Shepard felt his gaze over her, expecting a response, and brushing her body as she removed her heavy casuals and folded them over a crate. Thoughts of Joker and Kaidan’s conversation lingered, but she pushed them away. Captain Anderson gave information to _her_ on a need-to-know basis too. 

“Fine. I’ll kick your ass again,” she finally answered, sauntering to the thick floor mat. 

He loathed the _come-here_ human gesture she made, as it was belittling to motion a turian in such a way, but speaking of it would alert her of his discomfort, which wasn’t his way. Nihlus’s talons clicked on the floor. His face couldn’t make expressions like that of a human, but she could sense his anger, and oddly, it enticed her.

Nihlus’s mandibles twitched. While observing the human crew, he identified the gossip that depicted Shepard as cold and unsociable. Her battle record was exemplary. He hummed in his chest; by turian standards, she was an excellent commander.

“A great leader needn’t be liked.” 

She rolled her shoulders and neck, eliciting a series of cracks, then shook her wrists. The words that escaped him were dull but served to calm himself rather than her. His orbs loomed as she smirked and said, “I thought you wanted to spar.” Then she shifted her weight to one hip and extended that _come-here_ gesture again. 

He clicked his mandibles, flustered, and rushed at her. _Conversation can wait._

The Fight

Nihlus’s chest heaved when she landed a kick in it. Shepard dodged his lunge with ease and countered the attack. Despite her short, muscular frame, she was fast. He clicked in excitement, twisting his body to grab her and flip her over his head. A sandy smell entered his nose from her sweat.

It surprised Shepard when the turian lifted her, but she grabbed at his shoulders, using her flexibility to rotate her body over his neck ridge where his balance was weak. He grunted as she slid down his chest and landed on her feet. The momentum lunged him forward, body bent, and his head locked under her elbow. She laughed, smug at having had the turian. He hissed, untangling himself from her grip while she jumped backward, cursing when his leg swiped her ankle. 

She now stood to her feet, and they locked eyes, watching each other’s movement. Her heart raced, the excitement of their sparring upon her. How minutes had it been? The pounding in her heart beat up to her ears, forcing her to smile.

“Impressive—and as usual, you’re very sturdy,” his words taunted.

The gaze he cast over her thick, tight layers heated her cheeks. She advanced first, and he took a swing at her head, preparing his free fist for a counter. Her laugh gave her intentions away as she caught his fist, yanking him towards a punch that collided with his jaw. She was giddy that she had him again until he head-butted her. It was a krogan move she didn’t expect.

Shepard shook her jumbled skull, trying her best to block his series of punches, and jumped backward, collecting her breath. Her head pounded as she stood at a distance, then rushed him again at full speed. She tackled his stomach, and he fell to the ground, a surprised yelp escaping him. The collision to his back made him wince, but Nihlus recovered quickly as they rolled on the mat.

He pinned her arms behind her back and began, “Give up—” then shouted out as she placed a kick between his legs. The unfamiliar pain sent his soul home to the Spirits, and he groaned, grip loosening enough for her to flip over. His heart was unsteady and his senses jumbled, the seconds allowing for her to jump on him, straddling his waist.

Shepard grinned, having conquered the turian. She pinned his arms and heaved out breaths, still grinning. “You know...” Her mouth widened as her dark eyes loomed over him. Her heartbeat steadied, and the words escaped sultry, “You have a very sturdy body as well.”

* * *

**[Warning: section has explicit/mature content]**

The Dream

She felt his growling laugh vibrate through his body, reaching her points of contact. It tickled her hands and the place between her thighs. A low breath escaped her. He flinched, leaving her wondering if he had felt her pulse over his stomach. His face looked surprised when her hands folded over his chest.

“A strong forehead too,” she groaned, shaking her head to either side.

“Well, I have an exoskeleton.” He laughed again and the vibration touched her. This time, he felt her pulse.

“Ahem,” he cleared his throat but said nothing else. Shepard glanced over the turian. His cheeks flushed a light blue barely visible to her eyes as he looked away. She didn’t know why she hadn’t risen from their position yet. Perhaps she hadn’t slept with anyone for long, but under her, he looked dark and dangerous. It wasn’t human, but it was attractive. Her hands didn’t budge from his chest; she held him down. 

Her black orbs picked him apart like a piece of meat. Whether the action was her own desire, her control failed her. She traced fingertips over his chest, his heartbeat, then moved to his neck, feeling him gulp. The tough skin was rather smooth like fingernails. Her thighs rubbed his waist, pressing against his oblique muscles, forcing a low crow to escape him. She grinned, watching for more of his expressions.

His green eyes lowered, wavering over her waist, moving his talons to stroke the muscles there. The sensation was tingly. Her lips parted, no words escaping, and then she bit her lip, unzipping his bodysuit. Reason mattered not when she wanted him as she did. The velcro parted down to his plates, leaving his limbs warm. 

“Shepard, wait—” his voice caught as she sat further down his hips, hands trailing his chest hungrily. She rubbed her crotch against him, the fabric of her shorts dampening. The motion ceased his complaints. Then she rose to remove her shorts, his eyes watching her. She teased him by sliding the fabric down slowly until she revealed her auburn tuft of hair and her lips, damp as they spread over him. She glanced down at him and positioned herself over his hips.

“Nihlus.” He met her with his dangerous look, eyes squinting as she pushed down on his cock while it entered her.

He breathed out her name; the word sounded nice in his mouth. But she placed a finger to her lips, shushing him. Talk would only ruin such a forbidden event. His head dropped back when she fully adjusted to him and moved her hips. She worked at an angle, filling herself repeatedly as she rode. His talons clutched her waist, digging in until it hurt, causing her to speed sped up. Though, her pacing was to her own pleasure, using him as she wished.

He allowed her dominance, propping his thighs to support her. She gasped, leaning back as he slid into her deeper, missing her cervix. The ecstasy of it was almost too great until-

The intercom chimed.

*

“ **Commander**?”

She slowed, making eye-contact with the turian, but still moving. His eyes were nervous, and he said nothing, squinting from the pleasure of her weight. Her throat cleared, speaking as normally as she could, “Somebody better be dying, Joker.”

He laughed into the comm. **“We’re briefing for Eden Prime soon. Over.”**

The line clicked out.

*

She watched the comm ceiling panel to check that it was off. 

Nihlus’s chuckle entered her ears. “Let’s spar again.”

Her eyes rolled with a smile, “We already did,” and glanced further as the light cut out. She felt satisfied that Joker wasn’t listening.

*

“ **Let’s spar again.** ” His voice echoed, picked up by a radio. 

She knit her brows, rolling her eyes down to him before his image froze her, turning her skin to ice. He lay on the mat under her, choking on his own blood. “Nihlus, what happened!” she shouted, raising from her position, shaking.

He stuttered and spit, raising a weak talon to point. She looked behind her, seeing nothing, and then down at him in his black and red battle armor. No, he was just... She blinked to be sure it was still him. His eyes darted wildly. “What happened!?” her voice echoed around her as though someone else had said it, changing to giddy high pitches. Air seemed nonexistent, forcing hacks as though she floated in the eye of a storm.

Nihlus coughed again, whispering, “ **Saren**.” 

Shepard pivoted away from him, covering her eyes. The sounds ceased and there was silence. Just a dream. It's just a dream. She uncovered her face, now in front of the satellite camp of Eden Prime. There was the man who hid behind crates, pointing. The sun reddened around him, casting a bloody haze over his face. He shook violently, fear so intense she stumbled back. His voice was raspy, almost demon-like, when he whispered, “ **Saren**.”

She whipped back around to Nihlus. He lay feet away from her, still, unmoving. Ashley and Kaidan stood over him, their faces frozen. They looked at her and pointed, hissing, “ **Saren.** ” She stumbled back, noticing a warm gun in her hands, and then Nihlus’s body.

“N-no, I didn’t kill him!” Shepard shrieked, throwing it down. Their faces were accusing as they approached her, eyes wide, pointing, chanting in unison, “ **Saren, Saren, Saren.** ”

~*~

Shepard’s gasped awake, her breath heavy and her body shaking. Her eyes darted around the room as she hugged her blankets. Her head ached and she could hear her pounding heart in her ears before recognizing familiar sounds. The tinkering of the ship calmed her down and she sank under the sheets, holding back an angry sob. _I didn’t kill him_.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it went from 0 to 100. To clarify, the second half is more 'dream' than memory.


	4. Hectic Normandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's isolation. Kaidan's venting. Ashley's defiance. Toilet liquor? Choking. [Read time: 14-20 min.]

Mental Note

Shepard’s throat ached when she woke. The room was dry and the comm light was off, indicating that she was alone, but she didn't feel so. Her body shivered, unsettled from staying up the rest of the night. Stretching elicited the usual cracks from her shoulders, relieving a tension that soon returned. In the mirror, her cheeks flushed. 

_Sigh_. Luckily, it was herself and not Saren. They were both spectres. What if she turned out like him? What if the deaths from Eden Prime really were on her hands? She smacked both cheeks, pushing away from her thoughts. More than the fear, the fantasy that played out was embarrassing. 

“No more _Talonator_ ,” she said through gritted teeth and then hunched to straighten her hair. Through a series of deep breaths, she reminded herself: _I am the captain now_. It wouldn’t be good for the crew if she walked around as if she’d seen a ghost, or slept with one.

“Have I unlocked a new fetish?” she humored herself dryly. Fraternization wasn’t rare on Alliance vessels, but Shepard steered clear of such drama. Sex wasn’t a commitment to her. She chose flings carefully that could end easily—this meant dangerous men that traveled were her type. _Like Nihlus_ , the thought left a bitter taste in her mouth.

 _Jean, get laid at some point._ How could she be her best for the most important mission if she felt such frustration? The thought left as she grabbed a towel from the closet, listening for foot traffic outside the door before exiting. 

After a shower, she returned with a refreshed mind, taking in her quarters. The room was dry and stuffy, which was perfect for a social recluse. There were two workstations, one near the door and one next to her double-bed. A round table was mid-distance with two chairs. 

She tapped her omni-tool to lock the door, then thumped into a desk chair, opening the extranet to sort through crew files and mission data. Having access to the spectre database saved time, but she left no stone unturned in researching Saren. 

Hours passed in solitude. 

* * *

Smooth Jazz

Kaidan squirmed in his seat, bouncing both knees. He tried to focus on the beeps and clicks of the dashboard but the cockpit was otherwise silent. It bothered him that the captain hadn’t left her quarters since leaving the Citadel. Female crewmembers had seen her in the showers—and once in engineering. The cook grumbled about how she didn’t finish meals.

Kaidan passed the time by tuning the electrical board and flying with Joker. He preferred to be reading, but anxiety plagued him about her wellbeing. Even if Joker didn’t need help, piloting gave Kaidan a reason to spy on Joker’s chats with Shepard. He wished to hear her laugh. In dismay, the cockpit was silent—save for Joker’s, er, jokes.

“It’s been three days. It’s like she doesn’t exist.” He sighed, rubbing his face, voice muffled under his palms. “Maybe she really hates small talk, _or me.”_

Joker nodded.

Kaidan ruminated further on how Shepard had passed the cockpit once to land on a planet in the Attican cluster with the krogan and quarian, but not him. It was logical that she wanted to test their skills, though it made him ache to not be her first choice. 

“Thanks for listening,” he said in a sigh, relieved to clear his chest. 

Joker nodded his head again, smooth jazz played in his ears. The pilot knew better than to fly next to Kaidan without a soundproof headset. Deaf ears met the words of the lieutenant. He smiled, drumming the dashboard with his fingers.

~*~

“ **Cockpit. Status** —”

“Commander.” Joker set down his chocolate pudding and gummy worms, cursing when it spilled in his cup-holder. “We can reach Feros in hours. I know doubling back to Artemis Tau will take time, but the doc said those headaches—”

“ **No. Head to the colony when we board, I’m taking Wrex and Tali** —”

*

“Ma’am.”

Then silence.

“Open the hatch for the mako,” Joker commed.

“Affirmative,” responded Garrus.

Kaidan’s neck snapped, replaying the conversation over Shepard’s radio. “I-is the commander okay?” Searching the pilot for answers, his fists clenched.

“I’m not a doctor”—Joker downed his concoction—“though if you consider me flying every waking hour.”

Kaidan ignored him for the rest of his shift.

~*~

Joker worked double-time, feeding Shepard updates the scanner picked up on geth activity. He shook his head. “The bastards are everywhere.” An entire ship fell crashing and the geth still were fighting. Ridiculous.

Tali doubled back to the ship, panting, grasping a puncture in her quarian suit. She skated around delirious colonists poisoned by the thorian, a giant life-form they’d found hidden under the colony. Colonists whispered, some even wondering if Tali was a geth.

*

The commander clicked. **“Need back-up”** _Pew! Pew! “_ **Tali hit”** _Chk!_ “ **Dispatch Ashley, I need—”**

 _Chk! “_ **Good shot, Wrex** **”** — _Chk! _A thick roar— **“ _I. AM. KROGAN_ —”**

Her line cut.

*

Kaidan scowled, pinging Ashley. The words rushed, “Commander needs you, get ready.” 

“ _No way_ , LT.“

His blood boiled. “It’s the commander’s orders, Ash!”

“I’m not working with those—those _things_.”

Kaidan growled. “If something happens to the commander, it’s on your ass!” His heart pounded in his chest, wishing she’d asked _him_ for back-up, not Ashley. He’d gladly leave, hell, if there was still time...

Joker read his mind. “I need you, _here,_ on that scanner, bro. Send someone else.”

Kaidan gritted, pushing his anger away. _But who?_

The comm clicked. “I’m going,” Garrus’s voice revved. Kaidan sighed and then affirmed him, knowing the turian was a good shot. Jealousy swirled inside of him.

*

 **“Sending Garrus—** ” Kaidan clicked the commander.

*

 **“Why?—Ah”—** _bang._ **“Alright”—** _bang_ **—** **“Don’t shoot the colonists, Wrex!”** _BOOM._

Silence.

*

He slumped in the seat, providing an ear to Joker who complained, “I don’t get paid enough.”

Defiance

Shepard paced back and forth across the circular debriefing room. Her fist tightened, released, repeated. There was a tension in her shoulders from holding back all urge of exploding. “ _Gunnery chief_.”

Ashley readied her excuse. “I didn’t think I was right for back-up, Ma’am. I can’t work with”—her eyes cut sideways at Wrex and Garrus—“ _them_.”

Shepard scoffed, a dead smile on her face. “I decide who you _can_ and _can’t_ work with, Williams.”

Ashley puffed her chest like a guarded dog, face angry.

Garrus rolled his _big sparkly blue_ eyes. He had sprinted from the ship ready to provide backup when he heard Ashley arguing with Kaidan. If not for Tali fainting, he would have met the commander. Saving Tali took some precedence as Quarians were allergic to every climate. Ashley had eventually followed orders but arrived late. 

She pleaded, “You know _I’m_ not the enemy, Ma’am! Look at how the thorian— _an alien_ —messed up the colonists, yet you let that asari into your head! Now you’re mad at me!? At least I’m human!”

Shepard blinked, face still. Her hostile scent stopped, which concerned Garrus. He wondered if she might kill the chief. “A useless human if she can’t follow my damn orders.”

Ashley stuttered, eyes pained.

“ _Dismissed._ ”

She tore out of her seat. The door was automatic but seemed to slam behind her.

The room was silent until Wrex punched his fists together. He and Garrus were smart enough to stay silent. Tali listened from her omni-tool call with Garrus. Their gazes shifted to the lieutenant. It amazed all that Kaidan kept quiet, though he squeezed the arms on his chair as if to hold himself back.

Kaidan finally spoke. “You don’t look well, Commander.”

She wasn’t, but waved his concern, plopping down in a round seat. “The rest of you, stay.” Her headache doubled when the asari Shiala had entered her mind, but now the Prothean vision on Eden Prime was clear and felt less like a nightmare. It was a blessing and a curse. 

Discussion passed over the mission’s success. The crew agreed that it was imperative they search Artemis Tau. There, they’d find the asari who could decipher Shepard’s visions—a Prothean expert. They didn’t know which planet in the cluster the asari was on, which would cost time. Wrex left first and Tali clicked, leaving Kaidan and Garrus. 

Shepard raised a brow, eyes unfocused.

“Commander,” they both said, then making eye contact. Garrus narrowed his eyes until Kaidan squeezed his knees, bouncing his feet, but finally rose. 

“It can wait—” Kaidan sighed. The lieutenant’s heartbeat quieted when the doors closed.

Garrus turned to the commander, preparing his sentence. The comm channel clicked, and he huffed deeply, listening for Joker’s voice. 

*

“ **Report sent. Noveria ETA 1 day. Council**?”

Shepard glanced at Garrus, rising to the center of the room. “Don’t, Joker,” she said, crossing her arms.

“ **Aye, aye, Ma’am. Over.** ”

Silence.

*

Garrus took in her disposition with focus. Their eyes were level as he sat. The whiff of air that traveled when she turned bared no scent. Thus, he couldn’t decipher her mood. Shepard hadn’t spoken to Garrus since leaving the Citadel, but he didn’t mind the distance. He kept himself busy with upgrades to the mako and coffee chats with Tali.

She leaned into a hip, fiery fringe shifting.

“Commander,” he prepared his apology, used to reprimands at C-Sec. “I didn’t mean to leave without your permission—”

Shepard’s palm raised, silencing him. “You saved a crew-member. There’s an Earth saying, ‘It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission’.” Her expression curled into a smirk. “So choose your punishment.”

A rumble escaped his chest, fangs lifting in amusement. “Well, I’d like to go on the next mission—”

“Done.”

He picked up his jaw as she pivoted and left him in awe. His throat rumbled again, jaws widening in a grin. Maybe now, he’d be the new human translator. 

_“Yes, Ma’am._ ” Garrus imitated Kaidan, though his voice croaked to reach the nasal pitch.

She chuckled from the other side of the door.

Headaches

Doctor Chakwas shined a light into Shepard’s eyes. “Jean, you really look fine.”

“Then it’s the inside that’s fucked”—Shepard gestured—“got anything for the headache?”

Chakwas nodded her silver bob. Her wrinkles creased as she spoke but the woman had aged like good wine. For Shepard, it was nice to speak to someone her height. The whole ship seemed to tower over her, especially Wrex.

“Shepard, I wanted to say—” Tali interrupted herself with a series of electronic coughs from her medical bed. Her face was sorry even behind her tinted quarian mask.

Chakwas snapped, “Talk can wait, young lady. Keep that oxygen running and _rest_.”

“Yes Doctor,” the ‘r’ in doctor rolled and Tali laid down.

Shepard chuckled. It relieved her that a few members of the crew were accepting of aliens—that included Dr. Chakwas. Head engineer Addams asked if Tali was okay after the mission, though he urged Shepard to keep his concern secret.

She hoped for the rest of the crew. “I wish they’d get used to those three, considering an asari might be next.” 

Chakwas opened a drawer. “Talk to them, Jean. They may have things on their mind.”

Shepard’s stomach knotted. Ending lives, saving lives—that was one thing. But small talk with the entire crew was another.

“This medicine should be sufficient. It’s worked well for the lieutenant.” Chakwas handed her a vial. 

Her fingers turned it, analyzing its contents. “The lieutenant?” 

“Yes, Kaidan. It can’t be easy being an L2 biotic. Luckily, he only gets migraines. I’ve seen men crippled from the implants.”

Shepard chewed her cheek, taking in the information. “I see. Thank you, doc.”

“Get some rest, Jean.”

~*~

The dinner crew laughed at the mess table, stifling when the lab doors opened.

Shepard paused, Chakwas’s words echoing, then approached the table. “Keep up the good work,” she said and added each of their first names. They froze, glancing at one another, so she shuffled to her office, leaving them in silence.

Once out of sight, she plopped into her desk chair, whooshing from the small victory. Kaidan leaned in the doorway, tapping the frame to alert her. He began when her eyes shifted to him, “Hey Comma—”

“Close the door.”

The noise returned to the mess hall. She didn’t want to overhear the crew’s chatter—likely about her.

He gulped, then stepped in, not facing objection as he slid into a seat at the table, squeaking into the chair. His eyes glanced behind her, taking in the spacious quarters. Recognizing the vial in her hands made him twitch. “Are you alright, Commander?”

She narrowed. “Stop asking me that in front of the crew.”

He knew how bad headaches could be to need medicine but said nothing else, staring at her fingers as they hid the vial in her desk. The words froze him in place. “How are your implants? L2, right?”

His scowl surprised her. “I can do my job, Ma’am.”

“I didn’t doubt that, LT,” she rose, demanding respect with her tone. Her steps thudded as she crossed the room, making him swallow apologetically. After slipping a pill into her mouth, she sighed. “I’m just checking in.”

Sinking into the seat, his brows met in a grimace. His heart overflowed from the past week, and he breathed. “I’m sorry. I’m on edge with all this Saren-galactic chasing stuff. Last mission was a lot, I felt useless, and I hate that the council isn’t even...” his voice trailed, following a tall pink bottle pulled from the mini-fridge. “Uh… what is that?”

It was Bidét, a strong liquor bought at the Citadel before boarding. The salarian merchant had protested when she demanded the brand from elevator ads, and he emphasized its strength, but Shepard refused denial of liquor.

The bottle slammed down in front of him with a single glass. “I know you’re trying the whole friendly thing, LT, but I’ll need a drink first.” Glistening liquid poured, then she tapped her omni-tool and the lights dimmed, less intense on their eyes.

Kaidan’s mouth hadn’t closed when she pushed the glass to him. His face twisted as the alcohol reached his tongue. “Oh, God”—he coughed.

“Well, since you’re still alive”—she raised the bottle, swallowing a long gulp, and smacked her tongue to the roof of her mouth. She made a similar face to him. “Yep, that’s rancid.”

Sweat gathered on his palms, but he wiped it on his cargo pants, desperate to keep his composure in her presence.

She coughed out. “Probably why they call it bidet. Tastes like a toilet.” He grinned as she ruminated. “You know, I remember my first bidet.”

“You... have my attention.”

A smooth laugh escaped her, making his cheeks heat. “I was training on Earth”—she waved a hand—“some Alliance formal thing, but I was from the backwater beach, I didn’t know about fancy toilets. I thought an enemy was firing.” She leaned in closer, his cheeks reddened. “Nearly gunned down the ladies’ room.”

His laugh stifled as he sipped the foul drink again. It didn’t taste good, but it got the job done. The atmosphere eased and nervousness faded as much as it could in Shepard’s presence. A sigh escaped him, feelings returning. “Again, I didn’t mean to snap, it’s hard being one of the few L2s left. Most are dead, or worse.” He tugged at his collar when she eyed him in silence, opting to change the subject. “I keep thinking about how it’s been a week since Eden Prime, but it’s felt like a month.”

Maybe the alcohol blurred his vision, but she looked tired before downing another gulp. Her face recomposed and calm demeanor returned. She asked him questions about his biotic training. His concern replaced itself with an eagerness to share experiences with her.

Time passed in their conversation, and he pursed his lips, intoxication sitting in his stomach, head feeling airy. Kaidan twiddled with his half-empty glass. “I should leave, Ma’am, don’t want any rumors starting.” He smiled awkwardly, awaiting her response.

She sat with a blank expression, and he waited longer, biting both lips as her position didn’t change. “Commander?” He waved a hand, hating himself for the rude gesture. When she didn’t respond, his heart beat faster. Then her body crumpled over the table.

~*~

“ ** _Commander_** !” 

The shriek startled Garrus, making his skin crawl. The clock was unusually late as he waited until the crew slept to eat. He slammed down his empty bowl, trekking to the captain’s office with balled talons. Red door: _locked_. It was definitely a male’s voice. He quit his breath to focus, banging a fist on the door. There was shuffling and pants before the light turned yellow. The scent of anxiety approached—Kaidan? 

The doors opened and Kaidan stuttered, face flushed and breath unsteady. _“Th-the C-commander-“_

Garrus poked a talon forward and guided him aside, ready to investigate. The commander lay over a round table. He focused, relieved her heart was beating. _Good._ He moved closer. One glass. One bottle—he blinked, eyes reading over the brand scribbled in his home language. Bidet liquor, the strong brand his father drank after a difficult mission.

“Why turian alcohol?” 

There was a thud behind him; Kaidan didn’t respond.

Garrus sighed. _Humans._

Turian Drunk

Garrus peered over the commander, taking in her gentle sleeping face. While asleep, Shepard could be mistaken for a member of the crew rather than the captain. To him, her scent was that of alcohol and innocence.

He chuckled. “She looks harmless.”

Shepard’s arm extended, surprising him. The gesture motioned him closer, and her lips mumbled. He clicked, leaning in to hear, then flinching as her fingertips traced his thick skin. The tickle reached his larynx before she gripped him, and he took back the statement, gasping out.

“C-commander, you’re k-killing him!” Tali cried.

Shepard snapped awake, not releasing her hand from Garrus’s throat until her eyes focused, his surprised mug clearing into view. She frowned, tightening her grip. “Vakarian, what level of hell am I in that you’re waking me up?” Letting go earned coughs from him followed by a rumble at her statement. He backed up with both his hands raised in defeat.

“You’re awake,” Kaidan’s voice came from the left. He lay on a medical bed, hiccups escaping, eyes opening and closing. 

“You scared us, Shepard,” Tali joined in from the bed to her right. She knew why Tali was there, but why the hell was she? Her eyes locked with Garrus; a question mark laid in their shadow.

He recovered quickly from her assault. “I can tell you you drank turian alcohol—can’t tell you why, though.” A chuckle escaped him.

“Yeah,” Tali agreed, synthetics ringing. _“Why_ not drink with your injured quarian crewmate? _Why_ drink without Tali?”

He huffed. “Tali, that’s not exactly what I—”

“—and _why_ a classic dextro brand!? I am hu **r** t, Shepard, hu **r** t,” her ‘r’s rolled over him.

Shepard groaned, slumping back into the bed. Her headache lessened, but Tali’s loud pitch didn’t help. “Chakwas?”

Garrus shook his head. “The doc went to bed. She gave the Lieutenant an allergy shot.”

Kaidan groaned, “Can we keep it down, guys, some of us—” His voice stopped, soft snores escaping his bed.

“—And a sedative,” Tali added.

Shepard twitched. “Did you say dextro?”

~*~

“Yep, that’s turian drunk,” Garrus chuckled. Shepard plummeted to the floor twice now. Her legs wouldn’t follow her. Garrus helped her to bed. “Commander, you drank half a bottle, you’re not exactly battle-ready.” He clicked his tongue when her eyes sparkled. “That’s not a challenge.”

Only two hours had passed since drinking, showed by her omni-tool. Shepard sighed. Remaining in the medical bay wasn’t an option. Even if it was sleep hours, any of the crew could see her stumbling. “Is anyone outside?”

Garrus tilted his head, quiet, then said, “No.”

Her fists tightened before mumbling, “Take me back.”

Garrus stiffened. He didn’t have a problem carrying her to the med bay before—but now she was awake and had the grip of the motherland spirit.

“I won’t choke you.” She rolled her eyes, then curled her lips, donning a wild grin and narrowed eyes. “Unless you’re into that.”

Garrus rumbled, Tali giggling in. Their laughs echoed in the lab. Shepard then wished Tali a speedy recovery and hooked her arms around Garrus’s shoulders. The bridal position was awkward, but her quarters were close. The ship spun around her with every step he took. 

Her doors opened to reveal the crime scene: one turian liquor bottle and a glass. A single chair lay on its side. He moved close enough to plant her onto the edge of the bed and then turned, fixing the uprooted chair. He yelped, not seeing the bottle, and whipped around. She held it with two hands, staring down the liquid. 

Air huffed through his nose. _Definitely not harmless._

Shepard’s eyes lingered over his blurry shape. Garrus didn’t resemble Nihlus other than being a turian. His markings were blue, neck skin lighter, and he was broader. His voice was... a purr? She stared into the space behind him. There was no boundary to stop her question. “Do you think he knew he would die?” 

Garrus shifted brow plates, staring over her with concern. “Who?” His talons pried the bottle from her hands, placing it out of view. She didn’t fight back or choke him, only laid down, tucking her legs under the thick blanket.

“Nihlus,” she said. 

Garrus shivered. _Nihlus_ wasn’t a name heard since military school, though from where he couldn’t remember. He wanted to ask more, but her eyes closed. So he thought over senses that most turians had. Some were more honed than others, depending on their training. “Yes,” he answered before leaving.

There were calibrations needed ere they enter the Artemis Tau cluster.

***

02-07-20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like getting to know the crew! I have way more cheeky ideas planned. ^^ Stay safe and choke with consent.


	5. Therum-Noveria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara, asari scientist. I'm the good cop? No, not bugs! Are we okay? [Read time: 14-20 min]

Artemis Tau

Shepard shot at geth. Garrus moved next to her, closing distance. That told Wrex he had to move up. They had a three-point rotation. Garrus would cover the commander which was a hefty job considering she hardly took cover. Wrex, the largest, would charge through while creating an opening. Advance from back to front.

“My bad”—Shepard pounded her gun—“about last night.”

Garrus hit a synthetic target at its energy core before grunting. “It’s fine, no damage done.” He decided not to mention her strangling him. Shepard advanced to the next position, providing cover fire for Wrex. The krogan stampeded down the ramp, killing their enemies.

Garrus sniped a flying turret then ran to her. “Though, Tali was fairly upset.”

Shepard laughed, throwing a grenade over her shoulder. She sprinted past Wrex to fire at geth front-line. Dust erupted around her, forcing Garrus to squint. Her form cleared, and she head-butted a geth before firing her pistol to its chest.

Wrex roared. “Hell yeah, Commander, like a krogan!”

Garrus laughed, landing support shots from his distance. He couldn’t help but smile as the two broke their formation, shooting wildly at whatever. They were like children cheering each other on—but with advanced weapons. “I just hope we find the asari,” he chuckled to no one. They all knew that the greater mission to stop Saren was most important.

~*~

Liara T’soni stood in front of Shepard who had her arms crossed expecting the expertise they—granted, enjoyably—risked their lives for. Her skin was blue and smooth like all asari and her scalp folded back neatly in rows. The crew expected answers. Liara squirmed, hands at her sides.

Tali cleared the tension through her comm-link. “Did I miss anything?” her electric voice broke the air. 

Liara finally breathed and Shepard replied, “We were just starting.”

“Oh, goody, I am excited!” 

Garrus chuckled.

“What are the visions?” Wrex asked impatiently.

Liara swallowed, then spoke about the Protheans—the extinct race. The beacon that Shepard touched on Eden Prime and the cipher—that which allowed her to read the visions—were connected. The whole room sighed as Liara repeated the obvious.

“So we’re back at square one?” Ashley crossed her arms.

Shepard agreed with her. Liara wavered, exhausted from mentally connecting with Shepard to view the visions herself. She apologized for being tired, but the disappointment around the room was clearer than glass.

Kaidan, desperate to ease the tension, cut in. “You should see the doctor and eat, Liara.” 

Ashley crinkled her nose as Shepard now agreed with the lieutenant. “Everyone dismissed. Liara, we’ll talk later.” The room emptied, leaving Shepard alone.

* * *

Good Cop, Bad Cop

“Are we good to dock, Joker?”

The head pilot sighed then said, “Yeah, these assholes finally cleared us. I’m sure they’ll feel stupid when they see you’re a spectre.” Snow tattered against the huge dash window, revealing a brewing blizzard. 

Kaidan spoke from his seat, “It’s a private facility, likely with a lot of secrets.”

Shepard crossed, watching the facility’s docks clear to view. “Meaning we’ll have to dig for information on Benezia, great.” The asari matriarch, Liara’s mother, was their clue to finding information on Saren. 

Kaidan sighed. “Who should I comm to get ready?”

He wasn’t fit to dock on Therum—the Liara rescue site—after being out of commission due to his allergic reaction. Despite the disappointment, he didn’t blame the commander for not knowing the alcohol was turian-made. Her speedy recovery relieved him. 

Shepard tapped her foot, taking in the cold-ridden planet with a shiver. God, she hated the cold. _Hmm, who to take?_ A good negotiator. Kaidan wasn’t the best at being aggressive, but he played the good cop well. His quick reasoning was a rare ability, and it stopped her from shooting people, not that she’d ever admitted it.

“Suit up, LT.” She left before he could reply. Kaidan beamed. Joker brightened, fortunate to get a break from the lieutenant’s venting. And, if he was lucky, the mission would take hours. Or days, even!

“I’m liking this frozen tundra.” Joker chuckled as Kaidan departed.

~*~

“So…” Garrus took place next to the commander and Kaidan. “I’m the ‘bad cop’ and he’s the ‘good cop’? Is that a human thing?” The phrase somehow suited him given the red tape he had amassed at C-Sec.

Shepard smirked as the turian repeated her words, not answering him. Kaidan beamed behind her, a pep in his step until...

“That’s far enough.” A short-haired woman in a uniform barked.

Shepard cocked her head and seethed. “Important business. Step aside.” She drew her weapon when a second blonde woman ordered their detainment.

Kaidan sighed, pistol in hand. Nothing was ever simple.

“Citadel security supersedes yours.” Garrus also cocked his assault rifle.

Shepard knew the two women would stand down. And they did. A voice on the intercom confirmed her spectre identity. They were let past and apologized to reluctantly.

She laughed when they reached the city’s grey courtyard, nudging Garrus. “What was that? _Security._ ” 

He let out a wide laugh, holstering his rifle. “Just playing my part, Commander.”

Kaidan smiled but felt a pang of anxiety in wondering if he was the _only_ good cop among the three. Sure, Shepard proved kind to civilians, but on the research facility that was Noveria there were only secrets and white-collar crooks—the target practice she was fond of. His stomach lurched.

~*~

“We should tell Liara her mother’s here,” Kaidan said, “Maybe she can reason with her.”

Garrus clicked. “Benezia’s already deep in crime, we should put her down here.”

Shepard raised a hand. They silenced.

“We have to find her first. Focus on finding a way to the docks. Which one of these guys is Lorik Qui’in?”

“The turian.” Garrus motioned to a table.

Shepard approached and sat down. 

The turian in question looked old. The white markings on his dark face faded and his skin was dull. He held his glass calmly as he eyed her curiously. “Afternoon, Spectre. Have a drink.” If her presence surprised him, it didn’t show when she flipped over a clean glass and poured the pink liquor into it.

She drank a sip before speaking. “I need to get into the garage.”

His brow plates shifted, amused by her tact. “I have a clearance pass. What are you looking for?”

“Think of it as a tour,” Garrus rang in. The turian’s black eyes loomed over his blue ones, lingering longer than seemed necessary, which made him shift his stance. 

“You look like your father, Vakarian.” 

Shepard glanced at Garrus, but he said nothing in return.

Lorik Qui’in agreed with little badgering to help Shepard for a trade of information.

~*~

Garrus slipped inside Lorik’s office, hacking his computer in seconds. He made quick work through the system, retrieving the information Lorik asked for and scrolling for curiosity. C-Sec would be interested in any illegal secrets found about Noveria.

Shepard wandered through an office near to Lorik’s, stepping over the body of an officer killed—in _self-defense,_ she might add. “Well, hello there,” she cooed.

Kaidan chuckled, finding the commander in the empty office picking at a safe, cursing when it didn’t open. He approached her and watched, then twitched, seeing an alarm function run out of seconds. “Here.” He closed their distance and swiped his hands over hers. “You align this, this, and—” the safe clicked open. 

She felt his body heat over her shoulder and glanced at him, her dark eyes close to his. His cheeks flushed, embarrassed at their distance, but unmoving. Garrus cleared his throat and Kaidan jumped back.

“We should leave, like _right now_ ,” said Garrus.

Shepard grabbed an item from the safe and turned back, smirking to him. “Since we’re this far, we could rob the place _and then_ leave.”

Garrus shook his head, revealing a small bag of trinkets held behind his waist. “House cleaned.” 

Kaidan laughed with the two of them, sighing in disbelief. He now believed fully that he was the only good cop.

Matriarch Benezia

“Goddammit, LT!”

“Sorry, sorry.” Kaidan tried his best to steer the— _stolen_ —tank straight over the snowy mountain. “It’s a blizzard, Commander!”

Shepard groaned at every bump, headache intensifying. “I can’t believe that damn geth rushed me!” She shook her head, furious that the geth destroyer had butted right into her, knocking her down.

Kaidan had released a biotic warp so intense it cut the geth in half, but in return he almost passed out. _Should you be driving?_ Shepard chose not to ask. Liara said nothing, sitting behind Shepard and Kaidan.

“These guns are even bigger than the mako’s!” Garrus stood at the turret, whooping every time he hit a group of geth traps that the Matriarch had set.

Shepard groaned, grumbling about how she should have butted the geth right-back since that’s what Wrex would do. Kaidan wondered to himself if the commander had krogan blood. He glanced at the scanner. “Shit, there’s a lot of synthetics coming.” 

Shepard rolled her eyes, huffing. “Just run them over. Garrus, take out the big ones.”

Kaidan chuckled at the sound of Garrus’s joy. “It’ll get bumpier, but I’ll try my best.” Shepard smiled then frowned, knowing Liara had been silent for too long. She didn’t press the asari to vent—Matriarch Benezia was an agent of Saren, but her trust of Liara was a concern. 

Shepard told Kaidan to secure their way back when they reached the entrance to the Matriarch’s research lab. If Liara couldn’t help them, she wanted him ready for back-up. A lesser mentioned fact was that she hated driving, so she didn’t want Kaidan to get hurt. 

~*~

The high-pitched scream surprised Garrus. Shepard jumped into his arms, making it difficult for him to shoot the crawling creature that approached. “Commander, please!” He pushed her aside, gunned it down, then sighed.

Liara looked at them from across the communication room, confused.

Shepard shouted out, “What the fuck! _What_ the fuck!” She paced back and forth, realized her break in composure, then stilled, clearing her throat. The creature lay dead. _I’m fine._

*

“ **What happened!?** —” Kaidan’s voice boomed. He listened along with their radio.

*

“A giant, no _huge_ enemy attacked, but we’re fine now,” Shepard spoke.

Garrus laughed out, “It was a bug!”

Kaidan didn’t respond.

The crew said nothing else of her meltdown. Garrus had to stifle his laughs. _Of all the things that could scare the commander…?_ He snickered again until she butted him with her shotgun, tight-faced. Shut up, he did, but he was still smiling.

~*~

“Garrus, quickly.”

“Spirits, Shepard.”

“Faster, Garrus!”

*

“ **Um, what’s happening** —” 

*

Liara’s sigh entered. “The commander and Garrus are stealing facility weapons.”

Garrus picked the lock to a heavy weapon’s cabinet they passed. Shepard laughed maniacally, grabbing an assault rifle. It was a newer model. _Sweet!_

“Mm, and I’ll be taking this.” Garrus reached over her head, picking up a polished sniper rifle scope. They’d only infiltrated the first third of the base that contained worker quarters, a communications room, and security clearance for a light rail tram.

*

“ **Um, guys, the Matriarch?!** —” 

*

“Right. Let’s move. Tram is online, our connection may c—”

Silence.

Kaidan rubbed his head in frustration. Was the commander always so… so distracted? Missions felt seamless when he was with her. He crossed his arms. While listening, he’d already heard them get sidetracked three times now. He also wondered if Liara would be alright… she'd be fighting her mother, after all.

He sighed and leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes in the minutes of silence until a shout— _a moan?_ —entered the comm. Kaidan fell out of his seat, surprised at the sound. His face reddened, and he didn’t have the heart to ask.

*

“ **God, I think I just came. Have you _launched_ a gun this smooth?**—” Gunfire sounded in the background.

Kaidan struggled to process the sentence.

“ **Spirits, no way** —” _Pah. Pah. “_ **That missile launcher was faulty when I checked** —” 

“ **Yes, way!**—” _Boom. “ _**You damn T-Rex, you forgot the** —” _Click._

Liara’s voice cut in. “ **Please, focus! We are** —” _Chk! Chk! “_ **Under fire—Ow—** ”

“ **Liara!—** ”

“ **I — I am fine—**”

*

He silenced his comm, heart palpitating. Listening to the mission would only exhaust him further. And give him a hard-on at the rate his mind was racing. He cursed and shook his head, switching to a radio station.

Liara T’Soni

Shepard sat in her chair, arms crossed. Liara was next to her, quiet. The crew hadn’t said a word since the mission ended. They looked away out of respect. Kaidan’s eyes fell. It was best for Liara to face Benezia, but he wouldn’t ever feel prepared to kill his own mother.

Matriarch Benezia was brainwashed by the reaper Sovereign—as they had found out also acted as Saren’s ship. And now she was dead. Liara pleaded on his radio, but the matriarch had fallen too far and practically demanded death. 

Ashley broke the silence. “So we’re heading for the Mu Relay now?” She leaned back, arms crossed.

“How do we know it’s not a trap?” Wrex grunted.

Liara shook her head. “No, we can’t. We need more information.”

“I didn’t realize the commander had resigned,” Ashley hissed.

Liara tensed, her face shaky. Kaidan tensed as well, wishing the chief would be kind to the asari. She wasn’t crying, but she had to be in pain. 

Shepard sighed, hands on both hips. “Let’s not fight. Everyone’s on edge.”

“S-sorry, Commander,” Ashley stuttered, sinking into her seat.

Shepard continued over her, “You’re dismissed Liara, take as much rest as you need, alright?” Liara nodded and departed, her shoulders hanging. 

The meeting continued.

“We’re close to Saren, I can feel it,” Garrus commed, listening from the medical lab. He was the one on-call now and Tali was present after her full recovery. Wrex grunted in agreement.

Shepard shook her head. “We can’t sing joy yet. We’ve hurt him, but we don’t have him on the run. We’re going to Virmire to investigate; we may encounter Saren there.” Their eyes followed as she paced to the center of the room, shouting, “Joker, how far is the Citadel?”

*

“ **About a day and a half, Ma’am.** ”

*

“Thanks. You’re all dismissed.”

The team left. Shepard reported briefly to the council, not bothering to get angry at how unconvinced they were. Then she headed to the med lab.

Patient Garrus

“Hey, dinosaur.” 

Garrus sat on the med bench bare from the waist up. He scoffed. “Even _I_ know that’s insulting.”

Then Shepard scoffed. “No way, those were respectable reptiles back in the day. Apex predators before the meteor hit.”

He shook his head, rolling his eyes. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She smirked, arms crossed and sinking into a hip, but didn’t explain.

Dr. Chakwas sucked her teeth, scribbling into a clipboard.

“How is he, doc?”

“Hmm.” Chakwas rose from her desk. “He’ll be fine. The toxin antidote you found is very interesting. The effects are slow for now... Though, I’m surprised at how much toxicity he absorbed. Turians have a slight resistance to toxic environments.” 

He crossed his arms. “Not when you’re taking every hit head-on.”

Chakwas raised her brows.

Shepard's hands were now on both hips. “You were doing your _duty_ as a male.”

“By killing bugs?” 

“Exactly.” 

Kaidan entered the med bay as Dr. Chakwas left announcing that she had check-ups to attend to. He nodded to the doctor, and then his eyes widened at seeing Garrus. “Whoa. I didn’t know you had armor, like _body_ armor.” 

Most turian males had hard nail-like plating that lined their shoulders and chest in varying patterns. Garrus’s muscles lined the plates, thick and bulging. 

“Yep, perfect for killing bugs.” 

He rolled his eyes at her. “It’s a plating. Not bullet-proof. Or _toxic bug_ proof, _Commander”_ **—** his tone sharpened **—** “So don’t throw me at all of the rachni next time.”

Kaidan laughed, cheeks tinted. “I couldn’t tell what was happening.”

Shepard stuttered and crossed her arms tight. “Garrus is just upset with the duties he performed. Ungrateful bird.”

“I don’t know, Commander. I wasn’t aware anything could scare you.” Kaidan grinned, running a hand through his hair.

Her face reddened, and she huffed through her nose. “ _A_ _ll_ women are afr—” she chose her words, “ _don’t_ _prefer_ things that crawl.” 

Garrus pulled his arms into his bodysuit, locking eyes with Kaidan. “I’m guessing it’s a male human custom to kill bugs?”

Kaidan thought, twisting his face. “You know, it may be. I’ve never met a woman who could stand the things.”

Shepard’s color returned. “Moving on.” She waved as though to push the conversation away. “When’d you two become best buddies?” 

Garrus looked at Kaidan. “Maybe it’s his brown eyes.”

He burst into laughter, stifling. “Yeah, what can I say, Commander. I value a guy that can shoot right at me but hit the enemy behind me.”

Garrus chuckled. “Your biotics are fairly useful—”

“Ugh! Forget it!” She threw up her hands. “If your relationship develops, invite me, I’ll watch. For now, I’m leaving.”

Kaidan reddened, struggling to process her sultry words. “S-see you later, Commander. I’m just passing through.” He quick-stepped to the science lab at the end of the med bay and disappeared into it. Liara often worked there.

Shepard shot Garrus a look. “They’re friends now too?”

Garrus stood to his feet, fully clothed and warm in his suit. “Commander, you’d witness developments around you if you left your office, respectfully.”

She followed him out and huffed. “Trust me, chicken, I’m trying. I know every name in the crew but nothing about them.”

He smiled to himself. The day when she passed out from drinking, he’d caught a glimpse of her desk screen. There was a page with notes on the human crewmembers. It was beyond him if the fickle humans deserved a commander that cared as she did. 

“Maybe have a few rounds with them. I bet even Ashley may not be _so_ bad if you got her drinking,” he paused, “Though, she’s still Ashley.”

Shepard scoffed. “Chakwas said the same thing. You’re as wise as an old woman.”

“It comes with the looks.”

They entered the elevator to the cargo bay, and she headed for Ashley’s desk. He read the mood and detoured to engineering.

Are We Alright?

“Ashley.”

The gunnery chief sat in her chair. She said goodbye to a woman on her desk screen and looked up. “Commander.”

“You have a minute to talk?”

She rose, rigid in posture. “Of course, Ma’am.”

Shepard rubbed her neck, unsure of the words to say. “I wanted to make sure things were alright. Feros was kind of tense.” Her toes scrunched in her boots, awaiting a response.

Ashley’s shoulders fell. “Can I speak off-record, Ma’am?”

“Nothing you say will leave this moment, chief.”

“I don’t trust them, Ma’am—Vakarian and Wrex. Should they have full access to the ship? I mean, this is an alliance vessel, it has advanced everything,” which implied that the aliens only wanted to steal alliance data.

Shepard rubbed her face, hesitant to reply. Her emotions concealed themselves, and she chose cordiality. “You know they’re our allies, right?”

Ashley sighed long, lowering her eyes. “Humanity— _we_ have to rely on ourselves. My entire family has served the alliance, Ma’am. My mother, father, grandparents. I value people first.”

Shepard nodded, digesting, tone calm, “I understand you want to make your family proud, but this mission is important, we have to work together. I don’t want another Feros. I know what you’re capable of. You’re a damn good shot, so shoot if I tell you to shoot.”

Ashley’s expression awed at the praise. She lowered her posture, taking in the words, then said with confidence, “It won’t be a problem again, Commander. You say ‘jump’ and I’ll say, ‘how high.’ You tell me to kiss a turian, I’ll ask which cheek.”

A voice emerged. “I prefer the left, the right is my good side.” Garrus clicked down the center of the room and sat at the mako, chuckling to himself.

Shepard rolled her eyes. Ashley did the same but smiled a little, absorbing the commander’s recognition.

“We’re headed to Citadel space for a couple of days. Get some shore leave and clear your head. And”—Shepard rubbed her head, straightening her posture—“I, uh, thought to take some women out for drinks. It’d be good if you came.”

Ashley’s smile reached her ears. “I’d like that.”

“Good.” Shepard smiled, relieved. 

She said goodbye and then departed towards her office, pausing. If she did her work on the navigation floor, the crew might feel better morale. “Let’s be social, Jean,” she breathed in the elevator, whispering to no one.

02-13-20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my favorite chapter to write so far. Admit it, there is a little Shepard in all of us when we see a bug. Thank you for reading! Say hi if it doesn't hurt, haha. ^^


	6. Girls' Night Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Mindoir survivor. Do you hate batarians? Girls Night Out. Ashley's grandfather. [Read time: 13-19 min]

Talitha, Mindoir

 **[This section includes memories of PTSD, Trauma. Please SKIP** **to the next section, if triggering.]**

“It’s nice to have a little break from all the craziness.” Kaidan walked next to the commander. Ashley trailed on her opposite side, brushing stray hairs back into place. The Normandy had stopped to refuel on the Citadel, granting the crew shore leave. Shepard walked between them, lost in her errands list.

“I want the ship in top condition. Virmire may be Saren’s base of operations—” she rambled.

_“Commander Shepard!”_

Her eyes drifted to a soldier running towards her, and a breath huffed out. _Now what?_

He instinctively stopped at a distance and saluted. “Sorry to bother you, it is urgent. I am Lieutenant Girard.”

She waved a hand, urging him to speed up.

Girard cleared his throat, speaking fast, “There’s a woman here at the docs. We rescued her from batarian slavers weeks ago.”

Shepard tightened her arms. “No one _els_ e can deal with this?”

Kaidan flinched, surprised at her cold tone. He wet his lips to speak but stopped himself, seeing her nails dig into her forearms. _Commander_ _?_

The lieutenant shook his head, eyes at the ground. “She is from Mindoir… and has been a slave for over a decade… she must have been taken from your town when...” He bit both his lips. Shepard didn’t move, grasping her arms tighter. Girard met her intensity, pleading with his eyes. “She got free from us and has a gun. I’m willing to wait it out—I really want to help her.”

Ashley pushed forward, approaching the man. “Where is she? She’s a human right? We should help her!” 

Kaidan stared at Shepard with concern. The Mindoir raid was famous. Though not publicized until her fame, Shepard had lost her parents when batarian raiders attacked the colony, even he knew that.

Shepard shook her head, “No,” earning shock from the three of them. “I’ll help her alone.”

Girard sighed in relief. “It’s at the end of this dock.”

She released her breath, avoiding Kaidan’s eyes. Part of her sensed his concern but didn’t want to see it. Kaidan and Ashley followed until Shepard turned to him, the look in her eyes telling him to stay. Kaidan understood, stepping back in silence. He was a man, and with slaving settlements, men were evil. Still, it pained him.

~*~

“I have a sniper in position, but I don’t want to startle her more. Maybe you can reach her.” 

Shepard nodded, half-listening. Steadying her heart took a great deal of energy and staying calm was another task. They stopped at the empty end of the dock filled with crates. 

“She’s behind there,” Girard pointed. “This sedative is to calm her.”

Shepard retrieved the pill from him and he backtracked the way they came. Signaling for Ashley to stay back, she approached the crates slowly. Ashley twitched, restless. The thin woman had short hair and pale skin visible from her distance. 

~*~

She held a pistol unsteadily, pacing and whispering to herself. Shepard took slow footsteps and she drew. “Stop! Wh-what are you?” the woman’s voice was high and shaky. 

_What_ am I? The odd question made her twitch, but Shepard was gentle. “I’m Shepard. What’s your name?” 

The woman shook her head, words rushed, “Animals don’t have names. She has a symbol. The masters put metal on her.” 

Shepard clenched her teeth, tone stern, “You’re _not_ an animal. What did your parents call you?”

The gun lowered as she wiped her brow in thought, searching for the answer, and then finally, “Talitha. She doesn’t remember the rest... she doesn’t remember.” 

Ashley couldn’t see the commander anymore but could hear well through their radio link. Had the girl been so scarred she couldn’t identify as a human? Only an animal? it made Ashley's blood boil.

“What do you remember from Mindoir?” asked Shepard, taking in the ragged appearance of the girl.

Talitha stared into the darkness, lips moving slow. “Smoke. Burning. Animals caged by the masters. Metal on their backs. Wires in their brains. She pretends to be dead. They put her in the pen. They put her—”

“You were young. No one is blaming you. You’re a person blaming yourself.”

Talitha shook her head. “Animal, she is _not_ person. They hit the master, her parents. But they had lights. Daddy—he’s melting.” She swung her gun wildly. “No, don’t look! Stupid! Stupid girl!”

Shepard raised her hands but kept her distance, gritting her teeth. _“Listen,”_ she drew Talitha’s attention, wavering between her eyes, forcing the girl to see reason through her voice. “I know it hurts, Talitha. But you have to face this, all of this.” 

Talitha shook her head slowly, eyes wide but blank. “They’re dead, Shepard. Can’t you see? They try to save her, and the masters burned them.” She covered her eyes. The words made Shepard’s chest ache, burying the similar fate her own parents faced, but she exhaled and kept focus.

“I’m approaching, okay?”

Talitha didn’t respond as Shepard took a step, then grew wild when her hand extended. “No! She can’t be handled again!”

Shepard stopped. “Did you escape?”

Talitha pointed her gun. “She can’t escape. They take your brain. The needles, the wires. Animals with guns make the masters explode. The other animals. They’re not real.” She growled, voice feral and shaking, “This isn’t real. Enough of this!”

Shepard narrowed, moving closer. 

“No, don’t touch her!” The gun waved.

 _“Talitha,”_ Shepard hissed at an intensity that made her still, as though she feared being hit. Her eyes closed shut and Shepard calmed herself before speaking, “Talitha, I’m from Mindoir too. My parents died there.”

At first, she froze, then Talitha started shaking. “You can’t lie! You’ll get hit!”

Shepard’s eyes lowered, approaching until only a few steps remained. Part of her felt pain in each step as the distance between them closed. “I lost my family, too, Talitha. My friends. Everything I loved. I know it’s hard, but you have to keep going.”

Talitha shook her head slower, unbelieving of the words. They stood in silence, the sounds of the Citadel highways finally clear.

She was quiet. “B-but you’re not like her? You don’t carry the pain...” Then her voice rose, pleading with her eyes, “Why are you different?” 

A faint smile formed on Shepard's face, the kind she rarely showed the crew. “We’re no different. I choose to stand up.” 

Talitha looked down at the ground, taking in her words. Her shoulders fell as she hesitated. “She wishes...” And then locked eyes into Shepard, too dry to glisten with tears. “She wishes she could stand up too.”

Shepard took a final step, opening her palm to reveal the medicine. “You can, but I need you to take this. You’ll fall asleep, and I promise you’ll wake up somewhere better.” She pleaded with her eyes, begging Talitha to trust her. If nothing, to trust that she understood her pain, that they once shared the same home.

Talitha paused over her then placed the pill into her mouth. She flinched at the brush of Shepard's hand but released her grip on the pistol. Shepard carefully holstered the gun and stepped forward, nearly touching chests. 

“Will she have bad dreams?” Talitha asked, face muscles relaxing. Leaning forward with fatigue, she met the warm heat of Shepard’s body and it cradled her with care like a sensation once remembered but forgotten.

“You won’t.” They slumped towards the ground, completely out of Ashley’s view. “I promise.” Shepard hugged her body as she reached the ground. Talitha’s eyes flickered and closed to a tranquil expression. “I promise,” she said again, quieter, staring into the only other piece of Mindoir left behind. 

When she rose, sure that Talitha wouldn't wake up, she checked the gun in her holster.

 _Of course._ A sigh escaped her paired with a pained smile. _You just wanted help._

The safety was on.

**[END of Section]**

~*~

Kaidan half-expected the commander to be sad or crying, but her expression was stoic when she returned. On the contrary, Ashley had tears in her eyes, shaking her head. “It’s horrible. I can’t even imagine it.” 

Shepard passed him, replying, “She’ll get better.”

Lieutenant Girard thanked her and then moved towards the scene with a medical team, and the dock quieted once the commotion passed.

Kaidan felt Ashley’s anger grow as they walked back towards the Normandy. “Commander, how can you work with them? They just take everything.” Ashley touched her shoulder, but Shepard brushed her off, expression unchanging. Kaidan tightened at the gesture he deemed disrespectful but said nothing, positioning himself between the two.

Garrus entered view at the entrance, holding supplies in his arms. His eyes met them and he acknowledged, “Commander.” Shepard nodded, looking through him. Something was different. _Sniff._ Sadness wafted through the air, if but for a moment, and faded. He then stilled, aware of Ashley’s scent. Her eyes locked into him with hostility.

 _What happened?_ Asked Garrus with his eyes. Kaidan’s met him in return, providing no explanation, though his anxiety was more _potent_ as he looked over Shepard then back to Garrus. The commander passed, carrying her dark draft with her.

A low growl escaped Garrus, accompanied by a feeling of uselessness. 

Dr. Chakwas emerged from the C-Sec elevator, strolling down the long dock path. She smiled at Shepard, nodding her head, then paused as Garrus had. The crease in her brow indicated she felt the same concern as he, though it may have been pure intuition.

“Are you alright, Jean?” asked Chakwas from her distance, taking a place next to Garrus. 

Kaidan glanced between them. They felt the change in the air as well. Shepard donned her stern expression, but he didn’t buy it. No one seemed to press her when she didn’t respond. She waved them off, then trailed toward the C-Sec elevator. “I’m gonna run some errands alone,” they could barely hear her. 

Kaidan and Ashley didn’t follow, turning to the doctor. Chakwas crossed her arms. “Something has happened, out with it.” 

Ashley’s disposition answered, her fists balled and shoulders shaking before she hissed out, “The girl... she helped a girl with PTSD, the girl was a _slave_ to _aliens._ ” Her chest heaved, lips tight.

Garrus gaped but said nothing. Hearing such words unsettled him as a C-Sec agent. _Sigh._ But he also knew that such a tragedy would only serve as ammunition for the chief’s resentment. Chakwas sighed as well when Kaidan explained, “She was from Mindoir and only just rescued.”

Garrus cocked his head.

Chakwas answered, “Jean is a Mindoir survivor, she lost her entire family in the raid that wiped out the colony. Most unfortunate.”

He blinked. Rather than respond, he could only depart onto the ship with the remaining supplies. There wasn’t anything he _could_ say. It wasn’t his place to ask, but he wondered what and where Shepard’s mind was, and, admittedly, if she was alright. 

Kaidan felt relieved as Garrus left. He considered the turian a mate of his, but the situation was tense between the chief and _any_ alien within eyeshot.

Ashley shook her head again, eyes hateful. “You should’ve seen the way she was, doc. She thought she was an animal. She almost shot herself all because of damn aliens.”

He stuttered, raising spread hands. “Ash-Ashley, wait—”

She scoffed, storming past him when Chakwas touched her arm. Kaidan flickered between the two, then left quickly. Chakwas watched him before speaking to Ashley. On the elevator ride up, he caught the doctor gawking into Ashley through the window. 

Maybe he could catch up to the commander if he ran. 

Do You Hate Them?

“You didn’t have to follow me all the way home, Kaidan.” Shepard stared into her cabinets, taking inventory. She made a clicksound with her tongue and pulled out an unopened box of cereal.

Kaidan sighed, leaning over the far end of the bar counter. He watched her pour a colorful bowl, smelling a fruity aroma from his distance. “I know, I’m sorry. I was just worried, Commander...” His eyes loomed over the bowl as she spooned pebbles into her mouth; a brow raised. “Wait. No milk?” 

She shooed at him, crunching on the _dry_ cereal. “I do _not_ need this judgment, LT.” A smile spread on her lips, which relieved him. 

Their walk put her in a better mood than on the docks, and her apartment was a decent size. He had only followed her into the kitchen but noticed many doors down the hallway at the entrance. Shepard approached a sitting area with two round couches surrounding a TV. 

Kaidan pushed himself out of his lean and followed, sinking into a seat across from her. “Commander.” He chose his words carefully, waiting for her to place down the spoon down, elbows rested on his knees. “Why don’t you hate aliens?”

She crunched and folded one leg over the other. “Why should I?”

He sighed, sitting forward to rub both hands through his hair. “I don’t agree with everything Ashley says… I mean, I think Tali and Garrus and Liara are good, though Wrex kinda scares me—”

“He prefers it that way. What’s your point?”

Kaidan hesitated. “Yeah, but…” The cushion wheezed as he sat upright again, sinking deeper, brave enough to ask his real question. “You don’t even hate batarians?”

Her eyes closed as he searched her face for clues.

She inhaled. “I don’t hate batarians.” He looked away, making note of the small cactus on her coffee table as she continued with a hard gaze over him. “If I, who has some of the most reason to hate aliens, acted on that hate, what message would that send?”

He rose sad eyes.

“Chief Williams only knows what the alliance and family have taught her: put humanity first. But if doing that eventually comes back to bite us in the ass, then I’ll treat everyone as they deserve.”

“I mean-”

Her spoon pointed at him, making him gulp. “What would I get out of hating Garrus or Wrex? They’re here on this mission for their own reasons.”

Frustration creased in his brow. He didn’t hate Garrus or Wrex either, but they weren’t from a race that killed his entire family. Race aside, it would be impossible for him not to feel hate in her place. He stuttered, voice rising. “B-but the batarians that—!” 

She cut him off, _fwip_ -ing the spoon horizontally. “It _doesn’t_ matter, LT. They’re probably long dead. I can only do my missions to save people like Talitha.” He suddenly felt embarrassed for his questions, taking in her heavy expression.

They sat in silence, her munching cereal and him listening to each dry crunch in discomfort. 

“I didn’t mean to pry.” A deep breath escaped. “I guess I care…” He met her dark eyes, feeling them soften under his gaze. She opened her mouth to speak, and his brows lifted, but she ate her cereal instead. He asked no further questions, smiling sheepishly at the cactus. The plant suited her.

Girl’s Night Out

“Thanks for taking us out, Commander!” Tali squealed over the loud music, sitting next to Shepard in the circular booth. A shirtless man in a tie approached the table, placing a tray of drinks. The ladies from the ship squealed.

“I _cannot_ believe you got tickets to a club like this!” Engineer Stacy gushed, fanning herself. She was squished into the seat with Ashley and a few other women. Liara had gone out for shore leave but wanted to be alone, thus, she wasn’t present.

“So we’re getting male eye candy everywhere?” Ashley spoke up, tone serious. The surrounding girls winced, forming silence in unison until Ashley she broke into a smile. “How could I say no?”

They breathed in relief, giggling around her, dispersing the drinks, and making jabs at how Ashley needed to get out more. After all, she couldn’t settle down with a weapons locker. Ashley scoffed, retorting that at least her guns were always there for her.

Shepard smiled, watching as strobe lights flashed across the table, illuminating the faces of the girls in patterns under the dim lights There was a sense of calm as she tuned out from their voices, gazing at her drink.

“But”—their gazes shifted, forcing her to look up—“what’s the lieutenant doing here?”

All eyes fell on Kaidan, and he squirmed in his seat next to the commander, his tall build looming over hers. His eyes darted around the club, out-of-place like a scared kitten rather than a man in his late twenties. 

Shepard shrugged, nudging him with her elbow. “He wanted to come.”

“To _girls_ night?” 

Kaidan now looked like he wanted to leave. The club was very much a bar as Shepard had stated, but the target audience was women. “I think I’ll leave first.” He rubbed his neck, blushing as Shepard’s skin brushed his. Best he tried to keep still the booth was tight and her thigh pressed against his. 

She swirled her straw, then sipped her red-gradient cocktail, tasting the cherry flavor. Her dark eyes trapped him, looking up. “And miss the show?”

He swallowed, his heart beating at her close distance, and whispered that he’d stay but only a tad longer. The smell of strawberries wafted to his nose as her curly head turned back to talk with Tali. A smile escaped him but faded when he met Ashley’s knowing smirk.

The girls laughed, shushing each other when the lights faded. A human man and asari woman bowed on a stage, adorned in ruffled clothes similar to the Victorian days of Earth. Shepard’s grin widened and she whooped, watching the cabaret with excited eyes he yearned would cast upon him. 

_Sigh._

~*~

“Wait, so you’re telling me you’ve _never_ fraternized up or down the chain of command?” a female crewmember asked.

Shepard smirked, sipping her third cocktail then shook her head. “Hell and no.” They gushed, making disappointed noises as she chuckled. “Why would I want that drama?”

Stacy crossed her arms. “No, no”—their attention shifted to her—“it’s definitely more trouble than it’s worth if it doesn’t end well. I’ve got one guy who still sends me love messages, and we served on the same ship _two_ years ago!” 

The women made sounds of shock and gasped, sharing stories of their own short romances and crushes in order.

Shepard sat at the end of the booth as Kaidan had left. She glanced at Tali, who seemed awkward about the conversation, and asked, “Anyone special back in the flotilla?” 

“W-well, I-I mean!” Tali blushed, though no one could see it through her dark suit. Shepard chuckled and nudged the quarian with her elbow.

Another woman from engineering spoke up, voice raucous from drinking. “Yeah, Tali! Do quarians date and hook up?” The question was undesirably loud, and a nearby table glanced over before returning to their conversation.

Tali shook her head, embarrassed. Her words rushed, “Of course, they do! I am just not that bold… there is one person I _kind of_ like… he serves in his own team... I mean, no, there is no one! Agh!” Tali squealed, covering her eyes as the girls ooed, asking suggestive questions, all of which she denied, growing more embarrassed. 

Shepard laughed, sipping her drink. It was impossible not to grin at human ladies bonding with _a quarian_. Surely, such a feat only existed on the soap opera vids her mother once watched. The memory buried itself, and she chuckled again with the girls.

Ashley scoffed at their bickering, tapping her carafe down to gather attention. “Sex isn’t the most important thing out there, ladies.” 

Shepard cleared her throat, raising her glass from across the table. “I beg to differ.”

Ashley couldn’t hide her surprise. Tali as well gasped along with the crew, covering her face with both hands to hide her blush.

“Hey, I said I don’t move through the chain of command, _not_ that I don’t get laid,” her voice echoed inside of her glass as she met their sounds of disbelief, downing her drink.

“Oh, come on, that’s a cop-out!” a woman said. The others agreed, pouting, though eagerly bombarding Shepard with questions. “Don’t you want a relationship?” “What if a guy likes you?” “Will you ever settle down?”

Shepard smirked. “I’m still young, I don’t plan to settle down. And I rarely sleep with someone I work with, thus, I haven’t fraternized.”

Ashley crossed her arms, unbelieving. “No way, skipper, even if you hooked up regularly, that would put your partners in the…” She did the math in her head, then stopped. The women around the table quieted in awe. Dance music pounded in their ears through the silence.

Shepard scoffed with hot cheeks, smacking a hand on the table. “Slow down, I don’t get laid every damn week!” She scoffed again, voice muffled in the glass she grabbed, “I’d be way nicer if I did.”

Stacy giggled. “True! We barely have time to drink like this as it is.”

The girls all laughed around the table, agreeing with her. 

Shepard smiled but felt her energy toll as she bickered with the crew further.

~*~

“I keep thinking about that girl from today, the one kidnapped by batarian slavers.” Ashley drank down her liquor, looking over the table.

Tali and the female crew were dancing to fast-paced music. Shepard gazed over their bodies until they formed into a blur. “Talitha was taken so young.”

Ashley tightened the handle on her carafe, nodding. “I get so angry sometimes. I know the council is our allies, but humanity always seems to get hurt.”

Shepard furrowed her brows, understanding the chief’s frustration. Humans were new to the galaxy and met with scrutiny by established races. Rather than help humans find their place, most races only sought to preserve their own. Though, she also knew that humanity was impatient for power.

“Batarians aren’t exactly a council race. They’re blacklisted.”

Ashley shook her head. “It’s not just them. I — I don’t hate the turian. You know, Garrus, I shouldn’t have been so...” She sighed, forcing her words to make sense. “It makes me think about the turian war. I wish my granddad…”

“Your granddad?” 

Ashley cocked her head. “You’re not throwing me for a loop, Ma’am?”

“Your file is all clean shots and shit-missions, Chief.”

Taking another gulp of her beer, she breathed out, “Sorry, I thought you knew that I’m General Williams’s granddaughter. He fought at the Battle of Shanxi against the turians, but they call him the only human to surrender to aliens…” 

Shepard narrowed, crossing her arms, leaning back. “And _you’re_ punished for that?” 

Ashley smiled, looking pained. Her eyes roamed the club, finding the crew mingling with strangers. “I never cared how many crap missions I got, I’m tough. But knowing they blacklisted granddad and he couldn’t move up ranks… it’s hard.”

Shepard swirled her straw, wondering if she too would despise aliens in the chief’s position. There was no way to know. While Shepard lived a difficult life in its own regard, it differed from Ashey’s.

She sighed. “Look, you’re a part of the team, Ash. I don’t care what your grandfather did, and no one else should either.”

Ashley smiled into her glass, a warm feeling in her chest. “Thanks, Ma’am. I’ve never been told that before.”

“And my opinion on aliens stays the same. I don’t hate any species, not even the greedy damn volus that runs my bank.” Shepard smirked, earning a chuckle from Ashley. Her voice lowered, “If I gave in to hate, I would never have gotten this far, Williams.”

Ashley looked at the dancing women and nodded, shoulders falling.

“Now”—Shepard slammed a glass on the table, making Ashley straighten. She raised her voice loud for the waiter to hear—“what do I have to do to get a lap dance around here?” 

Ashley laughed. “Hell with it. Count me in.”

***

02-15-20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know many hate Ash, but I don't think she is super unique in her views of aliens. A lot of tension lies in the galaxy and I see her as a product of it. Maybe Shepard can get through to her. (: Also, Shepard eats dry cereal, just throwing that out there.


	7. Kaidan's Visit (//^-^//)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to talk. Leave your clothes at the door., LT, [Read time: 16-20 min] 
> 
> (Chapter includes: attempted FLUFF, SMUT)

Tipsy

Shepard sank into her bed, the device at work. The vibrations tickled through her clit, surging every nerve it touched. Her face scrunched, fervent on reaching a climax, but distraction plagued her. Whether the sheets were too cold or the light was too dim, something about a sex toy wasn't the same as a person.

She sighed, clicking off the button, and slowly sat up. The egg was buried under her pillow before her feet shuffled to the door, shoulders in a slump.

The hallway spun somewhat as she trailed into the kitchen, thinking of the night with the crew. The women might finally be comfortable approaching on the ship. That made her smile. Her skin then crawled, imagining them doing just that. “Socializing...” She shuddered.

Garrus was right, alcohol made it easier to talk. _Cheeky turian._

She rummaged through every cabinet to remember where she kept _vodka,_ a treasure from the human world. With only a day left of shore leave, the night was best spent in her apartment.

Her conversation with Kaidan occupied her mind. “Why batarians?” Then a knock at the door froze her and she sauntered over slowly, listening for sounds and reaching for the discreet pistol above the entrance.

“Speak.” She cocked the gun.

A sigh escaped. “It’s Kaidan.”

Thought of superstition touched her that he would appear when she thought of him. Then she opened the door.

He leaned into the frame, swaying somewhat. She crossed and smirked, taking in his dark jacket and fitted shirt. His outfit was the same as it had been, but he leaned on a fist, looking down, a rougher appearance about him.

Kaidan's jaw parted and he wet his lips, eyes trailing down the large button-down that hung loosely from her shoulders, exposing her neck. On the bottom were shorts that revealed her toned legs, smooth and bronzed. _God_ _._

She snapped her fingers. “Eyes up here.” 

“Ah, sorry”—he brushed a hand over his flushed cheeks—“I wanted to talk.” Noticing the pistol, he took a step back and straightened posture.

It was past midnight, late enough that she could turn him away. She crossed her arms, clicking her tongue. Even if his company beckoned at the witching hour, the apartment had plenty of rooms. She leaned forward, startling him from the distance.

He could feel her heat as she stretched above him, inching enough to place the gun over the door frame, then huffing.

“Come in.”

~*~

“Sorry, I left the club early, it wasn’t my scene.” Kaidan stood in the open kitchen, placing his jacket on a bar stool. He watched her fumble through cabinets, placing various bottles on the counter. 

She stretched her neck afterward, _phew-_ ing from the effort. “It’s fine. The girls needed a break.”

His eyes roamed over the back of her neck, tracing her curls. 

“What are you drinking?” 

“Everything some old guy recommended.” She tapped unopened flavorings. They wouldn’t mix well together, and it bothered him. He approached the end of the counter and touched her hands, looming over her. The softness of her skin met him, and they turned the bottle, reading over the syrupy grenadine. 

He was close enough for her to smell a foresty cologne like pine. Did he always have such a scent? His sudden glance made her flinch. “Sit down, I’ll make something.”

She smirked, assuming her crossed-arm position. “Really?”

A hand brushing behind his head. “My only talent isn’t my biotics.”

"Then blow me away, LT.”

Shepard sauntered to the couch and folded over it, his eyes following her figure. Then he snapped back to his task, rubbing both hands together. He could feel her dark gaze as he read through bottles and opened the fridge. It was a rare opportunity to show another side of himself. He poured ice in two glasses, eager to prove his worth. 

Watching muscles tense under his fitted shirt, she grinned. He shook vodka and a mix of juices in a shaker. She couldn’t say the view wasn’t good under the dim lights. Kaidan poured the mix and topped it with a thick syrup.

“Oh wow,” she cooed as he approached with sunset-colored drinks, hands out to grab them.

Kaidan couldn’t hide his smile as she sipped through her straw and beamed, “This is damn good!” She slurped more of the cherry-mango drink and licked her lips, motioning for him to sit. “Are you going to try it?”

“I’ve already had a few with the doc.” A chuckle escaped him, then he cleared his throat, her body heat close to him as she rose on her knees, sniffing the air around his chin.

“I thought I smelled Brandy.”

He nodded, looking at her face, heart beating fast.

~*~

“Mmm”—Shepard sipped her second drink—“please be my bartender for life.” The alcohol burned her chest and left a sweet aftertaste in her mouth.

Kaidan placed two glasses of water and scotch, sitting on the opposite end of the small couch. He flinched when her ankles brushed over his lap. She sat sideways, back against the armchair. The shirt she wore revealed her legs completely, and by glancing for the umpteenth, he was sure now that it was a man's shirt.

He lowered from her black orbs to her mauve lips then strawberry hair. Even in the time that he’d known her, he couldn’t figure out if her hair was a dyed color or natural, or both. It almost blended into her bronzed face.

Awing at her beauty, his heart skipped. Then he inhaled, hesitating on his words until his chest burned. “Shepard, I really care about you.” He exhaled.

The twirling of her straw stopped and she raised her brows, ‘hmm’ing, glancing at him with eyes half-open. Kaidan was attractive and thoughtful, even if he spoke constantly. As a soldier, he was strong and dependable. Any woman would be glad to date him. She lowered her drink, trapping him in her gaze.

Shepard wasn’t _any_ woman.

He was quiet at first, “I don’t mean to overstep the chain of command, but I value our time spent.” His mouth twisted, thinking over the rejection he expected. It made no sense to confess during an important mission, after all. Though, how could he wait when the mission was so dangerous?

She hit a fist on his chest, bringing his thoughts back. The words were gentle, “Relax, I’d rather you share with me than dwell on it. I’m used to you... by now.” A small smile spread. “That means only the airlock can stop you.” 

He leaned forward to drink his water, then smiled sadly, sinking fully into the cushion. Part of him was grateful to have feelings for a woman so witty and strong. What kind of man _was_ even worthy of her? The thought tugged at him and he pulled at his collar, daring to ask, “Since this is already awkward, can I ask… what _is_ your type?”

She tilted her head, tightening her arms. 

He reddened, raising a palm over his face. “God, I’m making it worse, aren’t I.”

A chucked escaped her as she shook her head, dumbfounded. Why did men always need reasons for reasons? “I won’t lead you on, Kaidan. I’ll be blunt.” Her eyes scrolled over him, lingering to his neck and chest then rose. “I only do physical relationships.”

He blinked, unmoving. 

She met his eyes, nudging his stomach with her foot. “You’re surprised.”

He swallowed, shaking his head, tracing her skin with his hand. She didn’t pull back as he rubbed a finger down her ankle.

The words flowed out, “I shouldn’t be... lots of people feel the same out here. I’m old-fashioned, I think it’s nice to have someone.”

She softened, stifling a smirk. “That something you read in _The Notebook?”_

He pouted, knowing that title was among the few books hidden in his work area, and then smiled. With a release of her foot, her cryptic response was heard, and his optimism cursed. “Maybe I’m a common man.”

She shrugged, unfolding her legs on the couch. “Well, _common man_ , you’re free to stay. I, for one, have not gotten laid in weeks and will contemplate my mortality on this evening.” 

He head-cocked and blinked, unsure he heard correctly. 

She picked up her empty glasses, talking to herself, “Doesn’t matter, anyway, Jean. I’ll get laid at some point.” Then she trudged to the kitchen sink with heavy thuds. 

Kaidan frowned, jealousy burning, imagining that some undeserving man would be in a “purely physical” relationship with her. No, he couldn't stand for it. He scrutinized over the shirt that hung off her shoulders as she walked. 

Shepard thought to herself about shopping to do the next day, whispering something about dishes and placed her bottles in the cabinets, then she paused, feeling his gaze. He looked upset when she turned around.

Kaidan’s words surprised her. “Then why not give me a shot?” 

Her brows lowered.

“I meant it when I said I like you, Commander,” his voice was low.

“I know.” 

He met her with pained confusion.

She slammed a bottle onto the counter and leaned on her palms, eyes hardened. “I’m not a romantic, LT. I told you what satisfies me. Would that satisfy you?”

He didn’t answer, throat catching. Hurt lay in his eyes. Did she really hate romance, or had she given up on it? Was she hurt in the past? Was he hurting her? His questions jumbled and his brows dove.

“I don't owe you a deep explanation.” She cocked her head, vodka in her hands.

He looked down, twirling his glass. “I guess I want to know what kind of man it takes to sway you. I’m not so rigid that I’d fall apart if you don’t want _roses_.” It hurt him to say those words as he truly liked the flowers.

Shepard stood silent, humming. She thought in her head while moving the bottle to the freezer. What didn’t make sense about her words? She liked sex. Dating and relationships were frivolous in comparison. She ran water over her glasses, opting to wash them later, then returned to him at the couch.

He pouted, looking over his drink.

Her eyes lingered over his muscular shoulders and neck. Cursing romance books and male entitlement, she sighed, placing a hand on his shoulder. “You’re free to sleep in any of the rooms, or the couch. Pick your poison.”

He nodded to her, eyes lost, and she then trailed into the hallway, leaving him in silence.

* * *

**[Section Warning: Uh, Smut?]**

~*~

Shepard closed her door. She unbuttoned her shirt and let it trail to the floor, removing her shorts. Her body reflected in the mirror, black lace underwear set adorning her. A mental note was made to cut and dye her hair before she crawled onto the bed, sliding under the silky sheets.

 _Huff_. Rejecting men brought her no pleasure, but it was inevitable when most lived in a fantasy world. As far as she was concerned, her offer stood. She’d gladly accept no-strings-attached sex with someone she didn’t hate. Though, pleasuring herself would have to suffice for the night. 

“Now what I _can_ get off on,” she humored herself, lips curling into a smile. 

Her extranet opened, and she scrolled through her collection of cultural films. She flicked past _Die Hard-On, Call of Booty,_ and **—** she shuddered **—** _The Talonator_ before stopping at _Left for Bed,_ a personal favorite and the film Joker hated most. Clicking play and taking in familiar scenes, she chuckled to herself.

Shepard angled her laptop on the bed and sank down, head on pillow, spreading her thighs. Warmth built up as she layered sheets, then adjusting the room's heat with her omni-tool. On the screen, a woman in grey lay on a queen-sized bed in a Victorian bedroom. Two masked men lay at her feet, touching and kissing her legs. She adorned a corset and burlesque panties with garters, breasts exposed. 

Shepard brushed a hand over her panties, sighing at the pressure of her palm as the men removed the woman’s sheer thigh high socks. Their hands roamed over her legs and kissed tenderly, making the woman shiver. Shepard bit her lip, the silky sheet rubbing her as the woman sighed, and she touched along her own body in return.

She breathed and slipped a finger into her panties, removing it to trace her tuft of hair and the edges of her labia. Her skin tingled and she curled her toes, eyes closed, listening to the soft moans on the screen as she tapped her clit lightly and traced circles around it, legs twitching on the sheets, then reaching for her egg under her pillow.

A knock came from the door, making her flinch.

She stopped the motion, glaring at the ceiling. _Sigh._ Her anger rose as she reached a hand to pause the movie and took a long blink.

“Kaidan, are you _dying_?” 

His muffled words were unheard.

She recoiled as the knob turned, heart rate increasing, then relieved that she remembered to lock it. Her legs felt like jelly as she crawled off her bed, shivering from the draft, and seized her buttoned-down shirt from the floor.

When she trudged to the door and unlocked it, peeking through the crack, Kaidan's face appeared, and his cheeks flushed as the light touched him.

“What is it?” she whispered.

His eyes trailed over her before he pushed the door. She didn't stop the gesture, only stepping back, confused. Her arms wrapped around her stomach, securing her shirt as he approached. The slow steps forced her to move backward until she felt the cold wall touch her spine, making her shiver.

Alarm tingled through her at the vulnerable position she was in, but then she took in his lusty look and play a smile upon her lips. He didn’t touch her, but his hand pressed against the wall as though he wanted to. _Badly._

“Did you need a blanket?”

He bit his lip, having a mental battle in his head before his breath was hot on her skin. “You said I could sleep in any room.”

Wondering to himself if he’d answered her hinted words, he inched closer. There was an opportunity to be with her, even without romance. The pressure at his briefs made him bite his lip again, recalling the sighs he'd heard, _her_ sighs. He couldn’t sit by when she was...

She parted her lips, breathing against him. In the silence, his face began to fall before her eyes turned seductive and she unwrapped her arms. The large shirt slipped off her shoulders and her curvature revealed itself to him, well-adorned by only a lace bra.

"Wow." He swallowed, taking in her lower half, a groomed tuft of hair in place of her panties. 

His heart pounded as she said, “I have a room policy. Leave your clothes at the door,” and snaked her arms around his shoulders.

She stood on her toes as his lips pressed against hers, gently at first, testing the waters, and then roughly. He pushed his tongue into her mouth and she moaned into the kiss, the sound making his ears tingle. Her body rose into the air then lowered, and she let go of his shoulders, a smirk on her lips as he stumbled out of his boots and rushed to unbuckle his pants.

Kaidan felt her scrutinizing eyes while he tossed his belt to the floor. Her hands then shoved down his cargo pants and briefs in one push, freeing his cock, which she glanced down upon with a grin. “LT, I am impressed.” His cheeks reddened and he stuttered as their skin touched, the contact making him sigh. She tugged at his shirt, eyes hungry, and yanked it over his head.

 _This is really happening._ His thoughts could hardly be contained, and he nearly tripped over his pants when she jumped onto him. Thanks to his reflexes, he caught his hands under her cheeks, neck turning hot from the touch, stepping back to the bed.

A sigh escaped him, his desire rising as he laid her down, careful not to crush her computer. He stifled a laugh, realizing the screen's contents, brows raised. “Porn?” 

She smacked the screen closed and glared. _“Cultural_ film.” 

The ache in his chest told him that no other woman could make him feel how she did as his arms snaked around her back, unclasping her bra and sending tingles to the skin he touched. An _ah_ escaped her, and he brushed his nose against hers, beckoning for another kiss. Her eyes closed and she puckered, meeting his lips, hugging his neck.

He broke away with a huff, whispering hot on her face, “Tell me what you like.”

Shepard bit her lip, glancing between him and her vibrating egg. He followed her gaze, surprised, then took the egg into his fingers, rotating it. A sense of embarrassment touched her as his face awed, him clicking on the button and it vibrating in his fingers. He smiled and wet his lips, placing a warm hand on her thigh.

She tensed, laying on her pillow while he propped her legs open, leaning his face close to her pussy and brushing a finger over her tuft of auburn hair. “Need a map?” She crossed her arms, face reddening when he said nothing. He was silent for a moment more, trailing his fingers to her clit, pushing against it lightly.

His eyes watched her shift or bite her lip as he traced shapes, studying what motions made her feel good. “You can guide me,” he finally whispered.

She reached her hand down to his and used his finger to rub circles. He repeated the motion and she sighed, closing her eyes at the pressure, pulsing against his finger. The _click_ sounds of the egg reached her ears and she touched his hand, guiding the vibrating pressure from her stomach to her pubis, _hmm_ -ing at the sensation.

Kaidan bit his lip, cock fully hard from her quiet moans. He pushed her thighs upwards angling her legs over his hips. Her eyes opened slightly as the tip of him touched her swollen clit, and they both sighed when he brushed it. She moaned out as he rubbed against her, positioning his body so that he laid over her, grinding her clit. The vibration of her egg tickled his stomach, him releasing a groan.

Shepard sighed, catching her breath. “Now is fine”—she brushed over his hard cock. He nodded with eyes half-open, and clicked off her toy. He ogled, mouth twisting in thought. The silence made her shift, and she rubbed his arms. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I want to kiss you.” His mind rushed over positions where he could do so, and then he chose one, wrapping his arms around her waist. She squirmed, confused by his gesture, but allowed him to lift her until he sat against the headboard with her legs bent over him, straddling his lap.

“Is that all?” she asked. He smiled as her hands rested on his chest, their faces now close.

Kaidan pushed his lips to hers, and she kissed him back, hands exploring his pecks, brushing over his nipples. He flinched, stroking her back and waist, tasting the remnants of sweet alcohol in her mouth. She broke away, impatient, feeling his cock pressed against her bum.

“Now,” she whispered with hungry eyes.

He nodded, and she raised herself, looking down as he guided his tip to her entrance. She lowered carefully, thighs supporting her weight as his cock entered. Feeling the slight pressure, her mouth gaped, but she said nothing, taking his girth half-way and lowering in shallow thrusts to stretch her sensitive opening.

His eyes asked permission, and she nodded, arms wrapping around his shoulders. The pounding in his chest rose as he slithered his arms around her waist and tugged her hips down. _Oh._ He moaned open-mouthed tilting his head back when he entered her fully in one thrust, feeling the pleasure up to his stomach. 

Her body twitched and she huffed, “God, LT,” nearly filled completely.

The position felt vulnerable as he gazed over her longingly, eyes glossing at the beauty of her tanned face. But he smiled his thoughts away, biting his quivering lip as he thrust into her repeatedly, bolstered by his legs against the bed. She closed her eyes to break his look, head resting against his chest, taking in his motions. The warmth of his arm held her waist tightly. The other he used to snake his fingers up her back and stroke along her spine.

She shivered, flickering her eyes up to his chin once more, and then away when his expression met her with lust, though his eyes contained love. 

Resting her head on his shoulder again, her hips moved against him and he stroked her hair and neck, earning soft hums. She bit her lip, taking in the pleasure and listening to his sighs, breaths laboring. A feeling of unease in her stomach was pushed away as he repositioned their bodies to missionary and laid her down on the pillow. 

_It’s just sex, right?_ The blank space where no answer laid was foregone as he pushed his cock in again but to the hilt, their groans connecting. Her thoughts faded while his pace increased and he grunted, forcing her to dig her nails into his forearms.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Fans self* ha... hope you enjoyed! I didn't expect to take so much time to post it, but I really wanted it to be perfect. ^^ As usual, thanks for reading. & Thank you for the comments, it made me super happy!


	8. Pre-Virmire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nice butt, lieutenant. Cheeky Garrus. The "us" talk. [Read time: 14 to 16 min]

Kaidan’s Butt 

Kaidan’s hair shined in the light; strands fell and collected as he ran a hand through it. He always did that while talking; and his eyes were a doe-ish shape but a deep chocolate brown. He looked nervous while he spoke, but his voice was confident. Like most men in the Alliance, he was fit. Talking with Garrus, his laugh rang out and he smiled in that awkward way of his.

All of it pissed her the hell off.

What was so attractive about the lieutenant that she had to _sleep_ with him? Hadn’t she told Ashley and the girls that she didn’t fraternize on ships? Shepard rubbed her temples, taking in her newfound status of _Fucking Liar_. She didn’t touch the sandwich on her plate, much to the chagrin of the mess sergeant who left grumbling.

How much had she drunk, again? _Sigh._ That wasn’t an excuse. She hardly got drunk enough to not remember her decisions, _ever._

Her eyes trailed down his broad shoulders and to his forearms where her nails had dug in. They stopped over his butt, taking in the round shape as she bit into a pear. Being confessed to happened, but if she rejected him or not the clarity wasn't there. Hell, she’d practically seduced him as a higher officer.

She shivered again, remembering his thick—“No, just no,” she hissed to herself. “Do _not_ think about it.” The thoughts continued anyway. 

“At least his butt’s cute,”—she murmured in annoyance and then choked. 

~*~ 

Garrus widened, surprised at the words his ears picked up. He had to hold back a laugh as he turned towards the mess table where the commander sat. Her eyes met his, widening, perhaps realizing he'd heard her. She shook her hands, making gestures he didn’t understand. Kaidan shot him a confused look, and he said it was nothing through stifled chuckles.

Garrus glanced back for a second laugh, then gaped in shock as she held her throat. Now Kaidan followed his gaze, his own face twisting in horror. She started to heave rising from her seat when Garrus moved, but he slowed, a gut pinch telling him to allow the lieutenant to reach her.

“Commander!” Kaidan shouted.

Shepard felt his muscular arms wrap around her stomach and she heaved out the large bite of pear, both hands pressed on the table.

He rubbed her back, asking, “Are you alright?”

The light pressure made her flinch, and she smacked his hand away, mumbling, “I’m fine.”

Something about the lieutenant’s touches was especially gentle from Garrus’s perspective. His head angled, thinking. When Kaidan had re-boarded for their leave to Virmire, the man had sighed, smiled, laughed, and shouted in the same breath—which crept Garrus the hell out because no one else seemed to notice other than Joker. Garrus had asked the pilot about the lieutenant’s behavior over comm, but Joker said he didn’t want to gossip. Joker then told Garrus everything he knew, making him swear to keep it a secret.

Garrus clicked in amusement. He hadn’t seen Shepard outside of her office since shore leave ended, but now he knew for sure that his hunch was correct. _Something has happened._ He chuckled, watching the two exchange brief words awkwardly. She said she was fine with a lying heartbeat.

Garrus didn’t understand humans, but he'd be damned if they weren't an enjoyable show. 

Shepard said she was fine once more in a commanding tone.

“I‘m glad.” Kaidan smiled at her then thanked Garrus for advice on decryption. 

Garrus nodded, watching Kaidan drift towards the stairs that led to the navigation floor. He met the commander’s eyes, and then his chest grew, a grin forming on his face. To Shepard, Garrus had the look of a child making trouble on purpose. _He wouldn't._ Her eyes narrowed with hostility. 

“Hey, Kaidan,” Garrus said.

Kaidan turned, stepping down a step. “Yeah?”

Shepard watched in horror as Garrus winked to her and then said, “Nice butt.”

Kaidan’s cheeks turned red and he stuttered, rubbing his head awkwardly. A sigh escaped, him feeling had, and then he laughed and said, "Thanks," proceeding up the stairs and out of sight. 

Garrus looked at the mess table where Shepard sat with her face red and fuming. “Hello Commander,” he acknowledged in an especially happy tone, jaws wide in a grin.

Playing with Fire

Shepard’s eyes shifted to Garrus, heating from his outburst. She hated forgetting that his hearing was superhuman.

“Problem, Vakarian?” she hissed.

He hummed, metallic voice breaking the air, then he tasted his words. “I could ask the same, Commander.”

Her fist rapped the table and he sat across from her, the chair creaking under him. He hadn’t known her for long and granted, part of him kept their banter to a respectful distance, but he knew well the look that told him she knew he was observant. 

She glanced around the mess then demanded, “What do you know?”

It wasn’t a question.

He grinned, choosing to be facetious. “Just that Kaidan has a great ass.” She rolled her eyes, and he chuckled, answering in a more serious tone, “And—something _may_ have happened between you two.”

When she chuckled without smiling, he rubbed his neck apologetically, wondering if it was wrong to pick fun at her. Though, surely, he couldn't let the opportunity pass when she'd called him prehistoric anythings for two weeks.

Her frown deepened, an angry look on her face, then she sighed, calm and shaking her head. 

Garrus couldn’t keep up. 

“You turians ever have flings?” The question was sudden, throwing him off guard, but he nodded. A fling, was that what she preferred she and the lieutenant’s relationship to be? If that was the case, it differed from Kaidan’s position. Kaidan looked at the commander like a pet its owner. 

“Whatever happens _before_ a mate is”—Garrus coughed—“ _debatable_ , but many will stay with their family partner for life. Is it not the same for humans?”

She laughed, shaking her head. “It is not.”

His blue eyes beamed curiously.

“Humans are not that monogamous, I mean, _most_ are, but people can cheat after they get married.”

“I suppose turians _can_ cheat, but I don’t know many who do. Our women are rather influential”—his voice lowered—“many can kick a turian guy’s ass.”

She laughed.

The memory was private, but he could recall a time when he’d gotten his own ass kicked by a turian woman.

“I imagine that’s helpful.”

“Commander.” He let his next question sit. “Since we're on the topic. What exactly _is_ married?”

“Hm.” She waved her hand. “It’s a contract you sign promising someone you’ll love them forever. In the old days, people would bet half their assets on it.”

He laughed with her at its ridiculousness. It made sense that others observed a couple’s love, but was that not enough to prevent them from straying? Did they need binding? She seemed to share his opinion, which was some comfort.

“I hardly ever see turian women.”

“Well, many stay on Palaven after the military. Most are in political positions there, my mother was too. Though off-world, I’d check the clubs if you’re looking.”

“Thanks, dutifully noted, I was just looking for a turian lady to love.”

He lowered a brow. “And not a human lieutenant?”

She froze and he swallowed, wondering if she would choke again. No, she would choke him out of anger. Neither of them moved, and he braced himself for impact. Then he lowered his shoulders when she bit into her square-shaped food, seemingly unbothered. 

Once she dabbed a cloth at her lips and hummed, her scent grew playful. “Why? Haven't you got a turian lady somewhere out there?”

He chuckled, thinking over his response. Talking about himself wasn't his favorite hobby, but it felt safe with her. She hardly gossiped, unlike certain crewmembers whose names rhymed with... Poker. 

“Honestly”—his talons rapped the table—“It was only casual.”

Her mouth gaped, forming into a wide grin. “Vakarian, you sly dog.” 

His cheeks flushed a light blue and he looked away, scoffing. “ _I’m_ the sly one?”

When her smile faded, he wondered _again_ if he'd crossed their invisible boundary. She slapped the table and he twitched, sitting upright. “Speak your mind already.”

“About you and the lieutenant?” 

She folded her arms, leaning back. “Sure, Garrus, why not? You’re awfully _vocal_ today.”

“I don’t mean to pick fun at you”—a complete lie—“It’s interesting to see the great Commander Shepard so...” He couldn’t find the word and now he tapped the table.

“Whipped?” She tilted her head.

He coughed. “I would say _distracted._ ”

She placed her crust on her plate, earning shock from him as she said, “I didn’t recruit a detective to underestimate him. I know what you know.”

Garrus wasn’t expecting her statement nor for her to share further, but the information was welcome as she continued.

“I, Commander Shepard, slept with a lower officer. Okay? I don’t do feelings, and I said that but it still feels…” She waved a hand.

“Messy?” 

“I don’t enjoy leading anyone on.”

He hummed, taking in the information. In quick thinking, his father once said to always agree with a woman, but in the moment his excitement rose, and he opted to do the opposite, tapping his claws in anticipation. 

“What if you’re wrong?”

She blew air threw her nostrils. “How so?”

“You’ve told him where you stand. Change or be firm in that.”

Shepard opened her mouth to speak but said nothing, digesting his words. “You’re as wise as an old woman, hell, prehistoric...”

He grinned, opening his mouth to speak until she raised a hand.

“And don’t say it comes with the looks or I’ll literally shoot you.” Without a word, she rose towards her office. He followed suit, pushing up from the table and heading in the opposite direction to return to his duties.

“And Garrus?”

He chucked, turning at the elevator.

“Yes, Comman—” He yelped as a bullet whipped past him, barely grazing his neck. His mouth gaped and he glanced at her in shock. Spirits! He hadn’t heard hostility! No, he wasn't sensing for it. Wh-why would she!—?

She pursed her lips and blew the smoke away from her pistol, then holstering it. “Tell me I’m wrong again, and I won’t miss.”

The doors shut behind her.

“Affirmative,” he croaked, heart palpitating. A deep rumble shook his chest after he calmed. Next time he joked with the commander, he'd wear his armor.

And yes, he laughed again as the battery doors opened, there would definitely be a next time.

Is there us?

Kaidan sighed for the fifth time in the co-pilot chair, and then smiled, remembering his night with the commander. His sigh returned, wondering what he was to her. Part of him knew he may be a one-and-done man in her books. Was he beating a dead horse? 

“Hey, dude,” Joker interrupted, annoyed, “I can handle it from here.”

Kaidan rose without a word, trailing to the mess hall to pick a book before bed. Maybe he’d finally finish _Gone with the Wind._

Shepard stood at his station when the elevator opened, staring over the electrical board he tuned. Her fingers trailed over the nodes, lips pursed in thought. He smiled in surprise, taking in her casual appearance, but felt his anxiety rise. This was the same woman who couldn’t hack a three-digit safe. 

“Please don’t, Commander.”

She stood erect—he cursed the word—and turned to him. As he approached, stopping close to her, she looked up at him and then he stepped back, feeling emotions returning. He opened his mouth to speak but sighed instead, the sounds of the ship in place of his voice.

“You want to drink something?” 

He nodded and rubbed a hand through his hair. She seemed to watch the motion with a focused eye, then trailed into her office, followed by him and his unsteady heart.

The automatic door closed behind him and he looked back at the light as it changed from green to red. Good, they wouldn't be disturbed. He turned to her. 

“Shep—” His collar yanked him and he felt her lips push against his. It surprised him, but instincts made him grab her waist, _mm_ -ing into the kiss and lifting her body into the air. He grew a wild smile on his face when she broke away, stumbling back to the ground.

She wanted him, definitely, right? Kaidan felt his emotions whirl as he plopped down at her table to calm his beating heart. Releasing a deep sigh, the smile stretched across his face as she crossed the room to retrieve wine from the fridge. Then she sat with him and placed two glasses down.

The words were cold. “I meant it when I said I’ve never wanted the whole roses and wine package.”

He eyed the bottle. “Not even the wine?” 

“Well, maybe the wine.”

His heart lightened as she laughed, the sound echoing in his ears.

Shepard rolled her eyes, remembering her conversation with the turian, and how that idiot was right again. Kaidan now knew her preferences. It would be hypocritical to praise him as a soldier then assume he didn't understand relationships. 

Her only other option was throwing him out of the airlock. She looked into his expecting eyes, pondering the thought when his hand brushed over hers and rubbed her fingers. She didn’t pull back, allowing the connection.

“Shepard.” He gazed into her. “I don’t care if you don’t like _The Notebook_ or roses. I can accept whatever this is.”

She pursed her lips, pouring wine into the glasses with her free hand.

“You can?”

He nodded, a sad look in his eyes. “Maybe it’ll hurt, maybe I don’t mind it.” His chest expanded as the words escaped him, desperate to convey his feelings. Were foregoing roses not worth the most interesting woman in the galaxy? He tangled his fingers in hers, squeezing them slightly until she pulled away.

“Okay.” The glass touched her lips.

Kaidan sighed, his smile returning. He rubbed his hair then said, “Maybe after Virmire we can do something together.” She tensed, eyebrows twitching, until he added, “If you want to, your call.”

She said she’d think about it, and it pleased him. He made a note to ask her again after the mission but then decided not to. It’d be better to change the subject to not pressure her too much.

“The mission—” he started.

“I’ve got a feeling about Virmire, I think we’ll find Saren there.” She clenched her glass, finishing the thought. “It’s the best lead we’ve got, and something bothers me about the distress call.” She spoke about her thoughts at length, about wanting to bring Saren down.

The words were those she always said, but they felt different when accompanied by emotion that showed on her face. He lowered his eyes, touching her hand again, but she didn’t break away and continued speaking. It must have been hard for her to see colonists go missing on Eden Prime, which he chose not to inquire of it, only smiling gently and watching her lips move.

He asked questions between words. Was she still having headaches? She was, but the medicine helped. What was her favorite alcohol? Vodka. He laughed. Her favorite movie? Hiding a blush, she said _Finding Lilo,_ a children's movie. 

The time passed and he dismissed himself when she began to yawn. 

“I’ll stop by”—he slowed his words—“another time, if you’d like.”

She leaned against her doorway, a sly smile. “Still asking what I like by now, LT?”

He wet his lips and chuckled. Her eyes seemed to glaze over his bicep as he rubbed his head. Perhaps, it was the wine, but he wanted to scoop her up in his arms. Instead, he stepped back from the door, allowing her space.

“I’ll ping you tomorrow.” She hummed, her eyes turning seductive. “Actually.” He twitched, biting his lip. “Come by in the morning.”

He licked his lips and grinned, saying goodnight before he trailed to the elevator, feeling her eyes on him. 

Shepard chuckled, watching the sashay of his hips and she smiled, biting her tongue.

“Hey, Kaidan.” He turned back, wondering if she’d tell him to stay the night, but her words shocked him. “I like that ass.” She winked. 

He gaped as the automatic doors closed, leaving him to his surprise. His mouth still hadn’t closed as he headed to his quarters, passing Garrus who had taken a nap. The feeling in his chest was more kindred to a lovestruck fawn than a man.

The chuckling stopped when Garrus asked, “Something good happen?”

He could have sworn the turian’s eyes were knowing, but his skeletal face hardly moved as it was. Kaidan thought to himself, and then sighed, his grin wide. “You know, maybe I do have a great ass.” 

Garrus laughed with him, saying he’d never compliment Kaidan again if he’d start thinking he was better looking than him. They said goodbye, and then Kaidan readied himself for bed.

A rumble escaped Garrus as he trailed down the hallway. He wasn't one to take credit when it wasn't due, but the mixed scent of wine circling the lieutenant was a good sign.

Kaidan, alone in the bunk, sank into his sheets, butterflies in his chest. He thought of her, hugging his face to his pillow embarrassed.

Maybe after Virmire, things would be different.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, my own butterflies are about to fly away with this chapter. It took every muscle in me not to title it, "Nice Ass." This arc will be finished by Ch 11.


	9. Difficult Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virmire. The Genophage. You have to choose. [Read time: 14 to 20 min]

The Genophage

“Things are looking like a mess.” Kaidan crossed his arms, beach waves roaring behind him. Shepard nodded, copying the gesture. The information they picked up from salarian Captain Kirrahe wasn’t good. Virmire wasn’t merely Saren’s base of operations, it was a research facility and he was breeding krogan. It was bad enough that they were fighting geth but imagining an army of seven-foot tall krogan was enough to make Shepard flinch. 

Ashley frowned next to her. “I’m worried about Wrex, it might hurt to talk to him, but—”

Shepard raised a hand. “I’ll handle it.”

Wrex hadn’t taken the information well when Kirrahe shared his plan to blow up the base and its secrets, including the cure for the krogan genophage. Ashley nodded and stepped away from them, trekking through the sand into the camp. 

Shepard could feel Kaidan’s gaze over her. His doting eyes said he still thought about their morning in her quarters. She rolled her eyes, not wanting to admit it, but she had enjoyed inviting him for breakfast, among other activities.

“Stay sharp, we’ve got an uphill battle ahead of us.”

He rubbed his hair with a sheepish smile, the gesture exposing his muscular bicep. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked, aware of her eyes lingering over his dark battle armor.

“Just keep looking cute, LT.” She winked. “Do a little dance, it might distract the enemy.” The sand crunched under her feet as she departed, leaving him chuckling.

She then exhaled, stilling her expression as she approached the angry krogan. Wrex paced back and forth, sand kicking under his feet. The very ground seemed to tremble beneath him. She glanced left to see Ashley eyeing her, ready to act if needed. Then she gritted her teeth, hoping to appease Wrex’s anger. If not, the situation could turn deadly. 

He drew his gun and shot at the water. “You _know_ this isn’t right, Shepard. If there’s a cure for the genophage, we can’t destroy it.”

“Saren’s the enemy here, Wrex.”

Her head tilted up as he approached, heart rate increasing.

“ _Saren_ created a cure for my people, yet _you_ want to destroy it.” He towered tall and bared his teeth, forcing her to meet him with equal hostility.

She growled through clenched teeth, “You’ve got to be goddamn kidding, Wrex. You’d call this breeding a _cure?_ It’s a weapon, it’s a _prison._ If Saren uses it, it’ll wipe us all out, including you.”

“This is the fate of my people, Shepard!” He leaned down, red eyes picking her apart. “If I follow you, I need to know if it’s for the right reasons.”

Shepard puffed her chest, inching close enough that she could touch his armor. Wind of his angry breath pushed strands at the top of her head. The metal barrel of her gun tapped against his armor, her patience decreasing. Wrex growled, raising his own gun, but she didn’t hesitate to narrow her eyes and cock her gun towards his chin.

“These bred krogan—these _slaves—_ are not your people. Other races have used the krogan enough. Do you really think Saren will be so generous?” her tone was cold, but he needed to hear the words.

Wrex didn’t move, hand twitching over his gun, large face burning in frustration. He began to holster his weapon as she exhaled and took a long blink before pulling her trigger.

~*~

Garrus instinctively drew his gun as Wrex stumbled back. He met Ashley’s surprised look in a quick glance, even though she had a hand on her own weapon, prepared. He was listening to the conversation when Wrex drew his gun. But had she really shot him?

Garrus blinked again and narrowed his eyes through the blast's fog. It’d take more than one bullet to kill a krogan, even at point-blank range. _Where is the blood?_

“All right, Shepard,” Wrex voice shook as the dust cleared, and he stood unscathed. He lowered his head, the scent of hostility decreasing. “You’ve made your point. I’ll follow your lead, but when we find Saren, I want his head.”

Shepard huffed as the krogan departed, his large frame growing smaller in Garrus's view. 

Garrus swallowed when Shepard turned towards him and Ashley. She winked and twirled her gun in one hand, earning a scoff from Ashley. _They’re blanks!_

He laughed silently and holstered his gun, watching Shepard trail back to Kirrahe. In the same thought, his smile faded, remembering that she hadn’t hesitated to shoot at him only a day ago and—he shivered—those bullets were real.

Liara sighed next to Garrus, making her presence known. He knew her hearing wasn’t as great as his, but she seemed to smile towards the commander. “Her ability to calm the krogan is impressive.” Her heartbeat was quick.

Garrus agreed, stilling his own heart.

~*~

Shepard nodded. The plan Captain Kirrahe had come up with was sound. They’d blow everything up. She preferred a more certain approach, but the team knew the stakes of the mission. Failing when they could weaken Saren was not an option.

She looked over Kirrahe’s moss-colored face and asked, “Where are we taking the nuke?”

“The other side of the facility. I’ll need your ship to drop it off, but…” He blinked, balling his hands. “We have to infiltrate the base and disable the AA guns.”

“We don’t have enough men to go on foot,” Kaidan said behind her. 

“I assume there’s a way around that?” Shepard crossed her arms.

Kirrahe nodded, explaining that he would divert the attention of the base with his squadron while Shepard’s team served as recon. She took in his information, going through battle plans in her head, and conceded. There were no other options less risky than his.

Shepard inhaled and agreed, until he said, “I’ll need another officer, one who can command my teams.”

Her brows knit, glancing around the camp. It couldn’t be Wrex, Tali was important to the ship, and it made no sense to send Liara. Garrus’s eyes met hers, but she shook her head. He was a great shot but she hadn't seen him lead. She exhaled through her nostrils, clicking her tongue.

That left Kaidan or Ashley. 

“I volunteer, Commander.” Kaidan stepped forward. 

She bit her cheek and began to nod when Ashley said, “No, LT.” Shepard blinked, surprised. “The commander will need you for the nuke, I’ll go with the salarians.”

“It’s not your place to decide.” Kaidan crossed his arms.

“So what you're saying is ‘kiss my ass’ right?” Ashley hissed.

“Both of you, _shut it,”_ Shepard growled. They closed their mouths and she glared over them again.

Kaidan locked into her eyes, refusing to back down while Ashley met her, pleading, “I can do this, Commander.”

She had half a mind to say no to the chief, knowing Ashley's view on aliens, but her conversation in the club flashed. Giving Ashley a chance could better her, even if dangerous. Dammit, the decision felt ridiculous.

“Williams, accompany the captain.” Ashley sighed in relief, a small smile on her face. “No heroics, I _mean_ that,” Shepard added, voice tense.

Captain Kirrahe affirmed them and left to round up his soldiers. 

The three stood in silence, the sound of waves sounding more rushed than calm behind them. Ashley huffed, nervousness hitting her accompanied by a sense of confidence in the commander choosing her. “I guess this is it,” she said in a shaky voice.

“We’ll be fine…” Kaidan uncrossed his arms, face in a pout. “…come back safe, good luck.”

Shepard furrowed her brows, mind half-ready for battle. “It’s a dangerous situation we’re in, I want you both back safe, you can’t afford mistakes.”

Ashley saluted her then departed to Kirrahe’s team. She nodded to Garrus as they crossed paths. He nodded back, an odd feeling in his stomach at the danger of the mission. But he pushed the discomfort away, choosing to follow whatever orders Shepard assigned.

“Shepard…” Kaidan mumbled, taking a step closer to her. 

“I can’t trust anyone else to have the nuke armed and ready,” she spoke before him, “I need you with me.”

Kaidan softened at the words, a small smile forming. _I need you too_ , he didn't say, only glanced over her head. All personnel were busy, no eyes were on them. The motion confused her as her back was to the camp. He took a step closer, biting his lip. “I know you hate stuff like this, but—” he whispered then leaned down and smacked a kiss against her lips.

Shepard tightened, pushing a hand against his chest armor, and he receded, but still smiled. “Let’s go.” She turned without looking back, cheeks reddening.

* * *

~*~ 

“The bomb’s in position, we’re all set,” Kaidan radioed Kirrahe’s team.

Shepard watched him coordinate the crew, her arms crossed. She couldn’t help but smile as he barked orders at the men moving the giant metal drive-core, voice confident. But her body couldn’t relax, not after speaking to _it._

“That reaper… Sovereign…” Liara whispered behind her. Garrus agreed with Liara, saying that the presence felt out of this world. Shepard felt her heartbeat rise, stepping away from their conversation. The red energy that spoke to them in Saren’s office was akin to the destruction and death in her visions. It shook her to the core to imagine such a being could wipe out the entire Prothean race.

“ **Commander—”** Ashley’s radio skipped. **“do—you—read—me—”**

She raised a hand to her ear. “Get to the damn rendezvous, Williams.”

“ **We’re pinned down—”**

She cursed. “We’re coming to get you, Chief.”

 **“No way— Get that nuke set** —” 

Her radio cut.

Shepard bit her tongue, cursing out loud. How long would the nuke take? How many salarian were still alive? She could save Ashley, she had to. She swore she’d do better after losing Nihlus and Jenkins. She _swore._

Her fists balled, timed sequences running in her mind.

“Commander!” Kaidan rushed to her, eyes darting between hers as she angled up. The frustration on her face was clear to him. “Go rescue them, I’ll have this nuke set up in no time.”

She hesitated, cursing herself for wavering.

“Go already,” he said again. He touched her shoulders with both hands, squeezing lightly, wishing he could kiss her. She nodded, a cold mask covering her former concern.

“Garrus, Liara, _move,”_ she barked, still staring at him. They affirmed her and ran towards the doors that led to the AA tower. She broke his grip and then smirked, confidence returning.

 _I am Commander goddamn Shepard._ Her look filled him with determination. _And I cannot fail._

“I’ll be back,” her voice rushed as she ran to Garrus and Liara, and they drew their weapons. She looked back to see Kaidan ordering men around the bomb, a fierceness about him that said he wouldn’t let her down.

Energy surged through her as Garrus opened the door, revealing a flooded corridor with ten or twelve geth.

“Will we make it?” Liara asked, powering up a biotic shield in front of Shepard. She nodded back to her, jumping over the shield to rush towards the geth head-on. 

“We’ll make it.” She pounded her assault rifle, the weight of her weapon pushing away thoughts of failure. They cleared the flood and ran through halls, following a map that Garrus hacked. Thank god she hadn't left him behind.

“Left here, take the elevator,” his voice revved behind her. She followed his lead, eyes sharp for targets. The radio silence made her uncomfortable; she still hadn’t heard from Ashley as the two stood behind her. The doors opened.

“ **Commander—No** ”

“Ashley, we’re coming for you now,” Shepard hissed through gritted teeth, running onto an open roof platform. The sky darkened to a greyish blue, forming rain clouds.

“ **LT, get out of there!—”**

Shepard felt her breath stop, tilting her head to see an enemy ship flying towards the nuke they’d _just_ left. And _Kaidan._ “You’ve got to be goddam—”

Kaidan voiced entered her comm, “ **We’ve got enemies all over the bomb site**!”

“Stay where you are, Kaidan! I’m coming back!”

“ **Negative**.”

She twitched.

“ **I’m activating the bomb.** ”

Her breathing roughened, hands balling in anger. The idiot, the damned idiot! “What the hell are you doing, Kaidan!?” Shepard roared. There was silence, and her eyes darted, awaiting his response. 

“ **This bomb has to go off no matter what, Commander.”** He sighed into her comm. **“** **It’s done. Get Williams and get the hell out of here.** ”

“ **Screw that, go back and get Alenko!”** Ashley snapped.

Shepard sucked in her breath to keep from shouting in frustration. Feeling Garrus and Liara's glares on her, awaiting order, she shut her eyes and released air. _Get a grip, Jean._ _The mission always comes first_. 

“Ashley,” she whispered, “Radio Joker to meet us at the tower.”

There was a hesitation before Ashley responded in a weak voice, “ **Y-yes, Ma’am—** ”

“ **It has to be done, Ash, you know it,** ” Kaidan said.

Ashley didn’t respond.

Shepard nodded her head, feeling a weight in her chest. _Kaidan. Ashley._ The mission couldn't fail. “Kaidan,” she whispered with closed eyes, “fight hard…” It surprised her, the chuckle that entered her comm amid the bullets before he silenced.

Her breath returned and she tightened her hand on her trigger, signaling for Garrus to lead her to the tower. Only focusing all of her energy on the back of his blue uniform could keep her upright. Images of him flashed in her mind, nearly causing her body to turn back _._ She cursed loudly to silence the thoughts, making Garrus flinch.

Liara ran next to her, stealing glances that showed concern.

“ _Shepard!”_

Shepard instinctively tucked and rolled, feeling the energy of a biotic shock hit the ground where she had stood. Then she hissed, raising her gun at the silver body that approached on a flying projectile. Icy grey eyes cut through her, forcing her to relive the deaths on his hands, the deaths of her comrades. His metallic fangs shown through the sides of his face as he spoke, “An impressive diversion, Shepard, being in two places at once. You can’t possibly understand what’s at stake.” 

_“Saren,”_ she snarled, “You’ll do anything for power, even joining with a reaper?” 

His projectile lowered towards the ground, him gesturing. “You’ve seen what the reapers can do in the Prothean visions.” She gritted her teeth. “The reapers will destroy us all, look at the power they hold. You saw yourself that the Protheans were eradicated, trillions killed. If they hadn’t resisted, they might still be alive.”

“So, what, we become slaves to Sovereign!? Do you even hear yourself!?” she yelled at a screaming pitch, rage welling inside her. “You’re already indoctrinated!”

“My mind is _still_ my own,” Saren hissed at equal intensity. “I am here to save lives, to forge an alliance with the reapers. It is _you_ that would doom our entire galaxy and destroy everything that I’ve created.”

He stepped off his platform, voice lower. “And for that, you must die.”

“I’d like to see you _try!”_ She ran at him, avoiding the cover that Liara provided.

“Command—” Liara jumped out to block a biotic blast that Saren sent towards Shepard then crumpled to the ground. Saren growled in his throat, approaching Shepard as she glanced back.

“Shepard!” She ignored Garrus’s call and raised her gun, desperate to end the turian, but he advanced at a speed beyond human. A wave of cold energy rushed over her as his talons clasped around her throat, forcing her body into the air. Bullets rang against his body futile from his barrier. 

Garrus threw down his gun and sprinted towards her. 

She gritted her teeth, spitting into Saren’s hateful face as he pushed his arm forward. “Now, die.”

Her heartbeat increased, her feet dangling over open air. _No!_

Saren's attention alerted briefly, enough for her to throw a fist into his jaw, latching her body onto the building’s ledge when he dropped her. He growled angrily then stepped onto his projectile, flying towards a loud sound. It was the bomb alarm.

Shepard struggled to pull herself up until talons grabbed her, yanking her body to her feet.

Garrus glowered over her, fangs bared. “What the hell was that!?” 

She shoved him out of the way, trudging to the spot where Liara crouched. “Can you walk?”

Liara nodded to her, and she motioned for them to follow, breaths laboring where Saren had held her neck. Where she failed to end him.

“The Normandy,” Liara said, pointing to the tower.

Shots rained down upon the roof from the ship, and Shepard sighed in relief. Hopefully, Ashley was still alive. _Alive._ She flinched, switching on her radio. “Kaidan—”

There was silence before a cough. **“Hey Commander—”**

Shots rang in her ears. 

“I’m— I’m—” she swallowed, forcing herself not to say she was sorry, for that would be the most degrading thing a soldier fulfilling his duty could hear. The alarm echoed in her ears, growing louder.

He breathed into the radio, but she could feel his smile. “ **I'm** **protecting the galaxy—and—you** ”—he chuckled—“ **I don’t regret a thing.** ” 

The radio switched off, leaving static. _Kaidan._ Forcing her numb body to move and her heavy boots to lift, she stomped to the tower.

~*~

Joker chimed over their joined comm. “ **We’ve got to book it,** ** _now!”_ **

“Shepard!” Liara shouted from the ship, face fearful.

Shepard stood on the tower roof, staring towards the bomb. She took a deep breath, burning the image of the facility into her mind, and then leaped into the Normandy’s hatch, pulled to her feet by Liara as she stumbled.

Garrus didn’t meet her eyes as they passed. Ashley leaned against a wall, her face shaken. Wrex grunted, standing in a different position as Kirrahe's team stood at his post.

Shepard looked away from them to see the blast.

Fire erupted in the distance, and then the explosion cut off as the hatch closed. The ship hovered over the facility, leaving Virmire behind.

She could only trudge to the elevator, eyeing crewmembers that glanced upon her cold demeanor, them shifting in discomfort or saluting. Each of their expressions changed when they looked over her shoulder. _He_ would always follow her after a mission. They blinked in realization and looked away.

Kaidan was gone. The mission was over.

Silent Ship

Ashley slumped over her chair, shaking. “I didn’t want any deaths on my hands.”

Garrus could hear her heartbeat pounding from his station. He himself felt sour after the mission and after the briefing. He twiddled with a gun’s scope, but the pieces wouldn’t fit. The entire day felt as though nothing fit.

“I made that call, not you. If anyone, blame Saren,” said Shepard.

Saren’s facility had to blow up. He was indoctrinating innocent people. Going back for Ashley would save more lives even if he was the superior officer. Right? She hadn’t only saved Ashley—she gritted her teeth—but had saved Kirrahe’s squad. Right? Her fists tightened.

“He said he didn’t regret a thing…” Ashley shook her head, teary-eyed. 

Shepard remembered the moment well herself, and could only retort, “We’ll take Saren down.”

Wrex agreed with her, nodding from a position near the elevator. He could hear well like Garrus. She nodded back to him then looked down at Ashley who was still shaking.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Ashley whispered. She’d lost her whole squad on Eden Prime, but she’d never made a death call herself. 

“I do better”—Shepard gripped her shoulder, forcing her to meet her look—“I remember the fallen and I fight for them. I stand up.” 

Ashley nodded, wiping her eyes, saying that she’d try to. 

Shepard then left Ashley to her thoughts, passing Garrus’s station. He sighed, fiddling over his rifle, and nodded his head at her, whispering out, “Commander,” but said nothing else. They hadn’t spoken in the debriefing. 

“Are you alright?” Shepard asked.

“Yeah.” Garrus huffed and placed down his rifle, fiddling over a different gadget. 

She lowered her eyes as he said nothing else, then headed to the elevator. Only when the doors closed did she bang a fist against the metal and swear.

***


	10. Ship Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Continuation of the previous chapter). Garrus, I need your help. Waking up Shepard. Her sad scent. [Read time: 14 to 19 min]

An Emergency

Garrus tinkered with his omni-tool in his small quarters. He rarely used it, but it was difficult to work in the cargo after the mission's aftermath. The crew was especially down and Ashley would sniffle at least once an hour. Wrex seemed unbothered by the somber mood, but Garrus couldn’t take it. He’d gotten used to eavesdropping and found it difficult to separate himself from their sadness. 

The quarters contained a bunk, small table, armchair, and closet with things that belonged to the lieutenant. Garrus only ever used the space for sleep, though he slept in the afternoon and briefly which had differed from Kaidan’s schedule. Kaidan’s scent lingered along with that of whoever was the bunkmate before Garrus. Jennings? Jenkins? He couldn’t remember.

Garrus sat forward upon hearing footsteps outside the door. _Sniff._ It wasn’t human. Not Tali, no technology. Lighter steps. Liara? His nose twitched in surprise at the asari’s visit. They’d spoken only once or twice. 

“Come in,” he said, tapping his wrist to unlock the door.

Liara looked shocked, blue eyes shifting over him. “H-how did you—” She shook her head, face appearing troubled. “I need your help, Garrus.”

Garrus clicked his mandibles. He couldn’t imagine what the intelligent asari would need him for. She could eat human food, unlike Tali. Perhaps a weapon fix? His eyes scrolled over her. She used biotics. Needing something hacked? She didn’t seem the tech type.

“It’s Commander Shepard,” she answered, forcing his eyes to widen.

He rose immediately. “Is the commander hurt?” 

She shook her head, lips in a pout. “She won’t speak to me, or to anyone.”

Garrus shifted his brow, watching her enter and sit on his armchair, leaving him the bunk. He’d only been on the ship for a few weeks, but the commander usually remained in her office when she didn’t make rounds.

“I’m not following, Liara.”

“She hasn’t left for three days.”

“Is that rare?”

“…she hasn’t eaten in that time either.”

He twitched. Perhaps it was because turians needed more energy than smaller lifeforms to stay alive, but her not eating rose his concern. 

“Are you sure?”

Liara nodded. “She has connections off, I cannot speak with her.”

He hummed then cut his eyes sideways. The thought clicked. Tech skills, in _that_ he was superior. 

“You want me to hack her door?”

Liara shifted under his glare. “Th-that would be most disrespectful, but I admit I considered the action. However, Dr. Chakwas informs me that Joker has clearance to the commander. I am not acquainted with the pilot, but that is a better option. I am concerned for her, considering…”

 _“Kaidan,”_ he didn’t say.

Her plight was reasonable, though he wasn’t aware that the Liara was close to the commander. Disturbing Shepard felt like a bad idea, but it would quell her concern, and his own the more he thought about her foregoing food. 

Garrus pressed his comm and set a link with Joker. _Click._

*

A tired voice answered, “ **Garrus. What’s up, big dude?** ” 

“Joker,” he acknowledged. “Is the commander busy now?”

Joker sighed. “ **She’s on Do Not Disturb. We get to the Citadel in a day, though, if it can wait**.”

He huffed. “It can’t. She hasn’t left her room in three days... er, so I’ve heard.” 

Joker was silent. “ **Yeah… I know**.”

He glanced at Liara and she nodded. “And she hasn’t _eaten_ in three days.”

There was further silence, and then a sigh. He suspected Joker realized what he was asking. **“I can unlock her door, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea...** ”

“Jeff, please,” Liara spoke.

Joker groaned. “ **God, I’m gonna get my bones broken**.” Then he said in a quiet tone, “ **Meet me at her office in 10, and, uh, be hush about it.** ”

*

His comm cut.

Garrus thought to himself as Liara walked behind him down the hallway. Crew on the mess floor didn’t shift as he passed like usual, they moved about in slow motion. They moved like... he searched his mind for the word… _zombies._ That was what humans called mindless bodies in the horror vids.

The doors to the elevator opened after ten minutes, and Joker emerged.

“Sorry I’m late,” he murmured, hobbling towards them.

~*~

Joker sighed, feeling the heat of Garrus and Liara behind him. Their eyes burned into the back of his neck expectantly. He made a quiet joke that their stares could break his bones, but the humor didn’t ease the tension.

“ _Jeff_ _,_ ” Liara pleaded.

Garrus huffed, the gust of wind nearly knocking off his cap.

Joker opened his omni-tool with a breath, the orange glow casting over his eyes as he mumbled to himself. He knew Shepard hadn’t been out and about since Virmire, but it was odd to hear she wasn’t eating. He had commed the mess sergeant to affirm she didn’t touch the meals he’d left. And he even checked her door logs to confirm _if_ she’d left, which she had during light traffic hours, but it’d been hours since.

How had she held her pee for half a day? He shook the thought, overriding her door. 

It opened.

Liara squinted into the darkness, eyes adjusting.

Garrus could see well and smelled wine faintly. A pile of blankets laid slumped over the bed, unmoving. He flinched, focusing his senses until he heard her slow heartbeat.

Joker stepped in first, hobbling around a white table, whispering, “Commander?”

She stirred but didn’t move.

Garrus could hear low breathing, almost like a snore. It relieved him to see the room not trashed or blown apart, though such a show of rage would give a better explanation for her silence than _sleeping_. He thought it odd that only Joker had override clearance.

Joker approached her body, glancing at the two nervously before pulling back a blanket with a shaky breath. Another blanket revealed itself and he furrowed his eyebrows, asking for her again in a whisper. The lump of blankets stirred and he pulled back the second. 

Garrus guffawed, “Seriously, Shepard?” as a third blanket lie under the two. Had the commander become a— a— he couldn’t remember the name of the Earth bug that spread its shell before it grew wings. Banter-fly? Beauty-fly? He tilted his head as Joker pulled the fourth blanket from her face to find a thin sheet. He tugged the sheet off her head and her face gasped out, black eyes wide. 

“Joker,” she whispered in a raspy voice, making him jump back. “ _Water_.”

Garrus swallowed. Liara sighed, face swelling with emotion.

Joker let out a nervous laugh. “You wanna come out of there, Shep?”

He began to rise from the bed as she squirmed, face scrunched. “Joker, I’m kind of stuck.”

Garrus finally laughed, shaking his head as Liara joined Joker in a pursuit to unwrap the commander from her blanket cocoon. It proved more time-consuming than Garrus had suspected. He shook his head in disbelief, watching from the door. 

“Why didn’t you call for help?” She opened her mouth to speak. “Ah, forget it.” Joker grumbled about himself being unsuited for babysitting, though he added that he _was_ great with actual kids, not adults that behaved like kids. 

Shepard rose from her bed when she was free. The three of them watched her with concern.

Joker stepped back, muttering, “I don’t know how you’ve gone half a day without peeing, but—” He froze when her face contorted.

The expression must have been from a horror vid Garrus thought he'd seen. At one blink her body was out of the bed. He blinked again and she sped out of the room, shoving him out of her way. The strength of her push launched him against the wall, forcing coughs as he placed a hand over his stomach.

“A-are you okay?”

He nodded to Liara as his breath returned, but he cursed the spirits, remembering words the lieutenant once shared after Noveria. “Maybe she does have krogan blood…” he wheezed out.

Joker sighed, shifting their attention. “I’m gonna go.” They didn’t stop him. Flying the ship to the Citadel took precedence over the commander’s outburst, but their eyes were thankful for his help. He hobbled past and disappeared.

Garrus rubbed his stomach, wondering if a bruise had formed even through his protective plates. Liara sat at the commander’s table, sighing. He gave up his search and took a seat across from her, silent. Despite rarely speaking to the asari, he felt a sense of solidarity with Liara. 

Liara looked unsettled as she glanced around the room.

“It doesn’t feel real,” Garrus spoke first.

She turned to him then nodded. “He had a presence about him.”

“Right.” Garrus tapped the table. “It was like…”

“Nervousness?”

He chuckled. “Yeah…”

The silence returned.

“Do you feel sad about it?”

Liara shook her head. “We asari live for many years; loss is a part of life. But the commander…” her words slowed, “I am worried about the commander.”

Garrus couldn’t sense emotion from her. Asari hadn’t lived for millennia without discovering they could conceal their scent. Her face, though, it showed melancholy. 

He couldn’t share in such sentiments because he didn’t know if it was his place to worry about the commander. Spirits, he could count on his fingers how many talks they had that were longer than ten minutes and weren’t jokes or retorts, and he had only six fingers! He opened his mouth to speak instead darting his eyes to the doorway.

“Joker leave?” Shepard looked tired, entering with a bottle of water.

The door closed behind her. She guzzled from the bottle and ‘ahh’d, rubbing her stomach as she passed the two. Her casuals were a white biker short and tee set. The bright shade seemed to make her tan skin darker. 

She sat on the bed. “Why are you guys here?”

Liara flinched, hurt showing. “I am worried, Commander, after the lieutenant…” She looked down, twiddling her fingers.

Garrus continued, “You haven’t left this room in days, Shepard.” 

Shepard’s eyes narrowed, scent hostile before it died down. He said nothing but could sense a slight sadness from her as she said, “Well, I’m fine.” Then it disappeared. He tightened, knowing there was nothing he could do to pry further, feeling useless.

Liara raised a brow when they heard her stomach growl loudly and her cheeks flushed a slight red. “You are hungry,” Liara said to her, but her eyes looked at Garrus.

He narrowed, shaking his head slightly, but she pleaded with him until he rose from his seat. “I’ll bring you something, Commander.”

Liara smiled slightly as he departed, and the doors closed. The green light turned yellow.

Garrus scoffed, trailing past the mess table, stopping to glance at the electrical board. Would he not eat for three days as well if he was a human? What would he do if he lost a lower officer? No, a lover? His eyes lowered, burying the thought.

He opened the fridge, relieved to find plates with the commander’s name on them. They contained the square-shaped meal he’d seen her eat and what he recognized as fruit. Silently, he thanked the mess sergeant and placed two squares in the heating unit.

* * *

 ****Wake Up Call

It surprised Shepard when Joker woke her up, and Liara and Garrus to boot, considering she made the order for no one to disturb her. She sat across from Liara, whom she’d had few conversations with, but all were lengthy and deep about facts that the asari had researched and her own opinions. 

Liara's eyes revealed that she was waiting for her to break down, but Shepard refused to. Her face scrunched, hissing, “You don’t have to worry about me.”

Liara’s hand extended and held hers. She twitched, looking down at it.

For a moment, it was pale skin, a man’s hand, and she could feel his eyes longing over her, but when she looked up, the eyes were blue and glossy.

Shepard couldn’t glance away as Liara said, “I can only imagine how it must feel.”

“How would you know that?” She knew it wasn’t fair to say; Liara lost her mother. Shepard cursed herself for being so insensitive, but Liara seemed unbothered, donning an expression Shepard had seen before. It made her chest ache. 

Her breathing slowed as Liara said, “It is because he felt a similar way about you as I feel,” the words seemed to echo around her, “and if I were to lose you, Shepard, I don’t think I’d be able to breathe.”

Shepard opened her mouth but lost her words and looked down at their hands, the oxygen in the room was gone. She tightened her eyes, speaking to Liara but admitting to herself, “I can hardly breathe.”

Their hands squeezed one another.

She wanted to shout, but she couldn’t. Days passed in solitude, and she'd waited for feeling to hit her, but nothing. When Nihlus died, she was angry and wanted revenge. To kill, to murder, seek vengeance on Saren. With Kaidan’s death, she couldn’t feel at all. His words lingered in her ears, repeating themselves for hours. That doting smile trailed behind her, always watching, always. 

“Why can’t I breathe?” she whispered to him.

 _Why can't I live with this?_ Her face twisted in a scowl, briefly revealing a pain that made Liara’s heart lurch and her words catch in her throat. Unable to answer the commander, she felt tears brim her eyes.

~*~

Garrus held onto the corner of the wall, surprised at the emotion that hit him. The commander’s words unsettled him. He held her plate with a shaky hand. He hadn’t expected the brief scent from her to be so _strong._ It shook him to the core, and he steadied, composing himself.

What in the spirits had he been feeling before? The bits of scents usually revealed to him were anger or confidence, maybe humor, but they were subtle. He exhaled, stepping away from the door, and sat at the mess table for minutes, trying to push the feeling away. His senses were controlled enough to not spy further as he waited.

The doors soon opened, and he met Liara’s puffy eyes. She noticed the plate he held and smiled at him, whispering thanks as she left. Asari always concealed their scents, however, the sorrow he sensed from her as she entered the medical lab was immense. 

Garrus took a breath then rose, stepping into the office. Shepard flinched as the hallway light entered the room briefly. Her light was now dim but the room was still dark. It didn’t bother him. He placed the plate down on the table, surprised at his own legs when he wouldn’t sit down.

Instincts turned him half-way to the door before she said, “Thanks, did you want to talk?”

 _No, maybe later._ He nodded and sat down, unable to reject her, flinching when she lifted her hand and drank more water. _Calm down,_ he hissed at himself, steadying his heart. He could feel nothing from her as she bit into the square, closing her eyes and sighing. She hadn’t eaten in days, after all. The room was silent save for her sounds. 

“I don’t imagine you’re here to pity me,” she finally said between chews. He shook his head and she smiled. “Good.” She wolfed down her first square and then sighed, leaning back to look at him. When he didn’t respond, she started on another.

Garrus truly hadn’t known what to say. Sentimental words and emotional sayings weren't his specialties, guns were. He watched her silently, squinting as she bit into a pear, and then relaxing when she swallowed without choking. Resentment settled in his stomach over the mission, ill-feelings returning.

Shepard half-expected Garrus to say something witty, but he looked uncomfortable in her presence. Whatever he was feeling, she thought it might be her fault. “You’ve been distant since the mission.” He looked surprised at the words.

“And you haven’t left your room for three days.” His mouth shut afterward. Sass wouldn't help, not now.

She didn’t reply, though her brow twitched, annoyed.

Garrus sighed, tightening his talons over his thighs. _Be direct._ “Why did you rush in alone?”

She blinked.

“With Saren, you just ran right in, as if we weren’t a team.”

His frustration grew in the silence and his voice rose an octave. “Aren’t you going to say something?” He hated himself for the disrespectful tone, but he hated more the image of Saren holding her by her neck gasping for breath. It _infuriated_ him in a way he couldn't explain.

She wiped her mouth with a hand and locked onto him, trapping him.

“I won’t make that mistake again.”

He wanted to stay angry but broke her gaze, lowering his shoulders in defeat. “Yes, Commander.”

“He’s taken a lot from me, from humanity,” her tone was cold, “But he’s dangerous, and I can’t keep thinking of him as only a turian or spectre.”

Shepard didn’t say it, but when Saren had grabbed her neck, he didn’t feel… like he was of the same _kind_ as her. It wasn’t like Nihlus or Garrus, but Saren felt empty like a husk. Only the word alien could describe it.

Garrus didn’t banter further about the subject. Part of him wanted to ask how she was, but he couldn't bring himself to. No, the gesture would embarrass him, unallowed by pride. He shifted in his seat and she offered to dismiss him if he had duties to attend to.

He said, “Yeah, I think I’ll sleep.”

Shepard blinked slow but waved her hand, and he stood from his seat. She didn’t say that it was the afternoon, only silently understood his discomfort. Wallowing with herself wasn't a past-time she enjoyed either. She stared down at her plate, feeling a headache begin.

The draft in her room returned as the door closed, leaving her alone.

~*~

Garrus sighed after the door closed behind him, feeling light-headed from his mental stress.

“Are you alright, Garrus?” Dr. Chakwas asked, appearing from the med lab.

Standing upright in his usual pose, he nodded. She smiled and moved towards the elevator. He caught her grey fringe disappear as the doors closed, then he sighed again.

Only after entering his quarters and removing his boots to sleep in the armchair could he relax. It wasn’t like him to hold on to a grudge about the mission, even if it did concern Saren.

Mourning like the rest of the ship didn’t feel right. He’d only known Kaidan for two weeks at most.

More than that, Garrus abhorred the feeling Shepard’s sad presence gave him. He never wanted to know what such pain felt like, to be in her place. He propped a pillow behind his head and closed his eyes as her words played in his ears.

“ _I can hardly breathe.”_

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Logistics. I realize in the canon, there's one "crew quarter" but in my Normandy world, I imagine there is a deck with several small quarters that connects to the mess floor. Kind of like dorm rooms? :>


	11. Saren's Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grounded. Steal the ship. Saren, alive? Shepard! [Read time: 11-13 min]

The Conduit

Shepard felt relieved when the Council offered fleet assistance against Saren. The old birds finally believed the truth—Saren was planning to attack the Citadel. Yet they laughed when she brought up Sovereign, the reaper controlling him. They called her notions frivolous and chose not to listen. Her crew was no longer needed and they grounded the Normandy. 

“I still can’t believe those bastards!”

Shepard banged a fist against her locker and crumpled against it. She bent her legs and rested her elbows on her knees. Saving the galaxy was a helluva lot more important than political fuckery.

Liara watched from the mess table with a tender gaze. “Shepard, I know you will find a way.” 

Shepard knew Liara took a liking to her, deeper than that of a crewmate, but she didn’t know if it bothered her or not. At least Liara wasn’t judging her for Kaidan’s death, right? The two of them were friends. She sighed. There was too much going on when they needed to get to Ilos. The mental battle of saving the galaxy far outweighed the physical.

Garrus entered from the elevator, voice breaking the air. “I heard we’re stealing the Normandy.” 

Shepard nodded from her seat.

Liara’s eyes widened and she stood. “Y-you mean you have already a plan?”

“Saren waits for no one, not even the idiots in the Council.” 

Joker’s voice sounded.

*

“ **Commander, Anderson did it! We can undock!** ”

*

She crossed her arms, face serious. “Get us the hell out of here, Joker. If they won’t stop the reapers, we will.”

*

“ **Ma’am. I’ll have to use our FTL capacitors. It’ll fry us, but we’ll get to Ilos in an hour.** ”

*

Liara smiled while crossing the mess and extended a hand to pull Shepard to her feet. “I suppose I should have suspected such from you by now.”

Shepard rose and held her arms, a dangerous smirk evident. Liara met her dark eyes in their locked embrace. For a moment, the blue gaze trapped Shepard, filling the emptiness from the days since Virmire.

Garrus cleared his throat, taking in the atmosphere. “I’ll—uh, prepare the mako.”

He rushed to the elevator, gone.

Liara looked back at Shepard before breaking her hold, embarrassed. With hope, the commander wouldn’t notice how her heart beat unsteady.

“Get ready. We’ll finish Saren for good,” Shepard said, turning away.

Liara smiled to herself as Shepard walk-ran to her quarters to prepare her armor. When the doors closed she gasped, realizing she’d forgotten to breathe in Shepard’s presence. 

~*~

Shepard sprinted to the mako. Garrus and Wrex were ahead.

Garrus cursed. “Spirits! We could’ve stayed at the damn Citadel if the Conduit is one big expressway!” 

She climbed into the hatch, pulling the wheel over her head and locking it. “We wouldn’t have been able to stop Saren.”

“Right.” He sighed, pressing controls for the vehicle. 

“Now _step_ on it before the damn thing closes.” 

The mako jerked forward as she slammed into the seat next to him, blood rushing through her temples.

Wrex manned the turret, blasting cannons at geth that surrounded the Conduit. They learned that it was a relay that would teleport them to the Citadel from a Prothean hologram. If Saren unlocked the Citadel’s gates, connecting it to the reapers, he would doom the galaxy.

“It’s hard to think of the Citadel as a giant relay,” Wrex said.

Shepard sucked her teeth. “Yeah, and if we don’t close it, we’re all going to die. _Step on it,_ Garrus.”

He cursed, shoving his talons on the accelerator. “Don't expect a smooth ride.”

Slave, Saren

“Saren!” Shepard ran up the stairs shooting her assault rifle. Garrus and Wrex took side position, ready to cover her at point. 

The silver turian turned from the control console. He laughed in a tone different from on Virmire. “It is over, Shepard. I have become upgraded. I am now perfect for Sovereign,” his voice was deeper, and his eyes glowed blue like a husk. 

“You’re indoctrinated”—she tightened her grip on her gun—"the reaper is controlling you.”

Saren laughed, the sound making the hair on her neck stand and her skin crawl. Shaking his head, he stammered, “It—No—I am _better_ than before.”

Garrus shouted from feet away, “We have to put him down!”

Wrex growled in unison, “He won’t be saved, Shepard.”

Her eyes met the pitiful turian filled with only coldness, reflecting the fiery explosion of his research facility. Any qualms she may have felt were buried with her comrades.

She hissed, “ **Kill him**.”

Saren jumped from the balcony and hovered on his projectile, refusing to give her a head start. He laughed again, voice metallic as Shepard ran out of cover shooting. The battle lasted minutes. Her bullets were futile.

She cursed, taking cover to reload. “Damn his shields, I’m taking high ground!”

Garrus’s voice entered her helmet.

“Use your shotgun, Shepard! I put special”—he shot at the turian as it approached him, then ducking a powerful blast—“special rounds in it, it’ll breach the shields.”

Saren warned that they too could survive if they joined him. The reapers would choose only the special few. She as a spectre had to understand her place above the rest of the puny organic lifeforms. His words were ignored.

“Aim for the flyer, Wrex!” she shouted out, running towards the turian.

Saren laughed until a bullet hit his flyer, and stumbled. Shepard leaped from her platform, landing on his projectile. His surprise was clear as she grabbed his legs to steady herself and he wrestled to remove her, nearly succeeding if not for the shock her overloaded shields sent to him.

“Eat this.” She pressed her shotgun to his stomach, shooting consecutive rounds until the blast kickback knocked her down from the flyer.

Shepard felt a crack as she landed on her back, and winced, careful not to close her eyes in the midst of battle.

Saren roared in anger, confirming her blows had damaged him. His body stumbled back, balance shaken as Wrex hammered his gun. Garrus landed sniper rounds on Saren’s shoulders that finished the job. She watched the turian fall from his height onto the lower platform, leaving dust and glass flying.

She began to relax when he suddenly stood, approaching her, weapon half-raised. Bullets reigned against his body as she watched him, unmoving from her seat. A heavy weapon blast hit and he fell, landing in spikes of glass. The shards pierced through his torso, contorting his face. Then the blue in his eyes fade and a whisper escaped him until silence.

Shepard didn’t look away. She stood painfully, breath laboring and approached the ledge.

“Is it done?” Garrus radioed from his distance. 

Saren lay feet below her, choking on his own blood.

“Make sure he’s down,” she said. 

Wrex complied, jumping from the platform to plant a final bullet in the turian. “He’s dead.”

Garrus sighed in relief after he met her at the console. His talons tapped the glowing screen. “I’ve regained control of the Citadel. The data from Ilos is working.”

Shepard cracked a smile and felt partial relief. A chuckle escaped her, earning their attention. Then the three of them laughed until Garrus froze, his body flaring a rare sensation— _fear?_ His shoulders were stiff as he rotated, the instinct to run upon him. Wrex drew his gun and growled in unison.

Turning toward their hostility, Shepard inhaled her breath.

“I know I finished him!” Wrex roared.

“Spirits, Wrex, you always double-tap, _always.”_

“I shot him three times!” 

Saren sprung from his position like a puppet pulled by strings. His head hung limp and red light emanated from his body, an animalistic stance about him.

“Clearly, _odd_ numbers are the exception.”

 _“Guys!”_ Shepard snapped.

Garrus shook his head, cocking his gun in anger. Having a bad day would be an understatement. “I’m never watching a horror vid again.”

The red light escaped Saren’s eye sockets. Sovereign’s voice hissed through the air like metal forks scraping together, forcing her to grab her ears. “ **Die, Shepard**.”

“Get down!” Shepard ran towards cover but the blast from the creature flung her body. Fire touched her back as she flew feet into the air, landing face-first into a wall. She groaned, grasping her shotgun as she thudded to the ground. Her face hurt and her body hurt, but she had to finish the job. _Stand up._

Wrex recovered from his blast immediately and shot at the creature. “He’s not going down, Commander!” 

Garrus pounded his gun, adding, “It’s a _literal_ zombie, Shepard!” then swearing as it cornered him.

Shepard’s head was heavy, but she forced her body to run towards them to shoot at the creature. “Sovereign!” she screamed, alerting its attention.

Wrex and Garrus took new positions as it ended its barrage of blasts, head turning around like an owl, snapping to her direction. It resembled Saren in the face, but it leaped on all fours, shrieking at a high pitch that could break glass. “Fuck, no-no-no,” she cursed, scrambling to re-load her gun as it chased her.

A missile shot hit its shoulder.

“Good shot, Wrex!” Garrus shouted.

Shepard took cover, reloading her shotgun, then peeked her head out. Saren jumped from wall to wall, dodging Garrus and Wrex’s bullets. She joined their barrage, firing her gun seconds before Saren would land on a spot on the wall. Minutes passed and their damage was futile.

“We should’ve brought a biotic!” Garrus shot both his guns, arms shaking from the heavy weight. 

Shepard tightened her grip, assessing the situation. Killing Saren would be nearly impossible without a plan or a trump card. A feeling in her chest burned. No time to think. Would it work? Maybe, maybe not—the chance was worth it. She dropped her weapons, horrifying Garrus for fear that she’d finally lost it.

“Commander, now’s really not—” Garrus froze, seeing a light emanating from her body. He’d almost thought Sovereign possessed her, and a dry pitch escaped him. Her hair rose in all directions and his body tensed, as though he remembered the feeling the energy gave him, but he’d never seen it before.

His stomach ached as Shepard yelled out an inaudible sound. A wave of grey light smashed against Saren. The creature shrieked, hovering in the air and held by the energy. Garris ogled Shepard again for clues but saw only strain in her face as she struggled.

“Hit him heavy!” Wrex barked, snapping Garrus out of his trance. 

_“I see!”_ Garrus whipped his head forward, shooting again at Saren.

Shepard snarled, forcing her wavering strength to comply. The mysterious energy held Saren in the air while Wrex and Garrus berated him with blasts until he released a pitch-breaking screech and his body fell limp. They shot at him for minutes before being sure he was down.

Wrex huffed, lowering his guns while Garrus’s eyes darted to Shepard. _Was that biotics?_

She sat on the ground, both legs bent under her, gasping. 

Joker’s voice entered his radio.

*

“ **We took the ship out! It’s coming down** —”

*

Garrus, petrified, could only drop his gun and tilt his head upward as a gigantic shadow cast over the enormous windows. Saren’s—no, _Sovereign’s_ ship was crashing into the Citadel chambers.

_Spirits!_

He found Shepard again. She sat in place, hands pressed to the ground. Her eyes looked at the ship but she didn’t move. No, a cold horror washed over him, she _couldn’t._

His body lurched forward before he could think, pulling energy reserves to dash to Shepard, but she was too far. Rubble fell, forcing him to climb and dart in zigzags.

 _“Shepard!”_ he shouted, beckoning for her to get up. Dammit, he wouldn’t make it! Glass crashed around him, cutting off his path again.

He screamed her name again and she smiled, raising a palm. Grey energy shoved his body backward, forcing distance between them. A hard surface collided with his back and his vision fluttered. He heard something distorted from Wrex before the crashing panels cut his view, but he was safe.

* * *

“Get up, turian!” Wrex’s growl filled his ears.

Garrus groaned, opening his eyes, seeing in the dark. They were under a giant mass. Wrex rammed against it, but it wouldn’t budge more than an inch.

 _Commander!_ Garrus’s adrenaline rushed and he shoved at the black metal plates to no avail. The roof above them completely moved on his third attempt. Captain Anderson’s face appeared in the light, searching them for answers. 

A group of men in uniform climbed over the wreckage and pulled Garrus to his feet, hoisting him over their shoulders.

“Shepard?” Anderson asked.

He closed his eyes, forcing his senses to work. They didn’t, he was too tired. “The ship…” She had saved him—he looked down and shook his head. Wrex was equally uncertain when prompted.

Anderson’s shoulders lowered, a hard expression on his face. “Jean...”

“Over here!” a man shouted. Wrex climbed over the wreckage and dashed to the voice, surprising Garrus by the energy he still had left. Anderson, quicker for his age, followed behind the krogan with a team of men. 

Garrus pushed away from the men and sprinted after them as far he could. Seconds later, he stumbled to the ground, gasping for breath, arms and legs aching. The two soldiers supported his body again, saying words he couldn’t hear. His chest burned from not exhaling until his eyes located her.

Shepard sat atop a giant claw from the ship holding her stomach.

Garrus shouted, “Shepard!”

Exhaustion held her but she grinned, finding his face in the dust. “Garrus!” He focused on what little energy he had to hear the words, “I think I broke something.” 

He laughed, in no humor, but relief. An unexplainable feeling hit him, forcing his mouth to part, thanking the great spirit that she was alive, even glad that he was too. His stomach tingled with a light sensation.

Then she spat out blood and his stomach lurched, cursing every demon he could imagine would rip such relief away in a mere second.

“Seriously, I broke—” Her head lulled and she leaned backward. Wrex had already run to her position, supporting her weight as she slid down the claw. 

Anderson called a medical team and they laid her on a stretcher.

Garrus could hear her heartbeat as she was carried past him. He finally breathed and his full exhaustion hit him. Saren was dead. Sovereign destroyed. His head felt heavy with the mission done. His head felt... his eyes...

***


	12. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharing Secrets. Farewell. [Read time 8-10 min]

Shepard groaned, struggling to sit up before the pain in her chest knocked her back down. Dr. Chakwas’s voice and silver bob emerged, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” She leaned over Shepard, examining her with squinted eyes.

“Saren?”

“Dead. Twice,” Garrus’s voice sounded.

Shepard angled her head right, chuckling when she saw him sitting in a chair. He had an IV in his arm and was shirtless from the waist up. He had bandages over his forearms. The image was somehow familiar.

“Oh! You’re awake!” Shepard turned right and found Tali embracing her. “I was so afraid something happened!”

The quarian’s arms wrapped her head, suffocating before she let go. Shepard coughed out, smiling.

“I’m surprised you broke only a few ribs. The medi-gel is working,” Chakwas said.

She glanced around for the rest of the crew. The room was definitely in the hospital, not on the Normandy. Had Joker made it out? He had to if Dr. Chakwas was with her. She breathed deep, hating herself the action as the pain returned. Her feet and arms wouldn't lift.

“You’re tied to the bed, so don’t even think about getting up.” Chakwas lectured her about letting time heal her wounds, and then left the room, leaving only her, Tali, and Garrus.

Tali spoke about how glad she was the mission was over and how she felt excited to continue her pilgrimage. The electronic sound seemed to drift through Shepard’s ears. She looked through the huge windows. The curtains were sheer, only letting in light. She couldn’t see the streets but knew the cleanup effort must be tremendous.

“I will go check on the Normandy. I’m sure Addams needs help with the engine core. Get well, Shepard!” 

Shepard waved her goodbye. 

Garrus’s eyes locked on her from feet away. He didn’t seem hurt badly. Good.

“You want to come closer?” she asked, attempting to raise her limbs. “I sure can’t.”

He chuckled. “You’re not the only one tied with tape.” She lowered her eyes, making out stitches that kept him in his chair. Then she laughed, wincing.

Silence took the room. 

His blue eyes lingered before he finally spoke, “I’ve been wondering how to ask—ah, I’ll be straight. Are you a biotic?”

The question made her chuckle, staring out of the window. It certainly would have seemed that way. Her arms still ached from forcing the energy.

“I’m not.” She shook her head, which confused him further. “Not like Liara or... Kaidan.”

“Whatever you are, it saved my ass.”

“Seems like a recurring thing.” She smirked.

He rolled his eyes toward the window. “Says the woman carried out by a krogan.”

Red tinted her cheeks. “At least I’m not strapped to a chair, _a chair,_ Garrus! _”_

His mouth gaped, and then he huffed, mumbling a sarcastic retort. He wanted to cross his arms with sass like she always did, but the IV drip poked him. He settled with a second huff, muttering to himself.

She smiled and sighed, sinking into the bed. “I don’t use them leisurely. I didn’t even mean to with Saren, but I had no choice.” She scrunched her face. “I’m sure even you know about Torfan. I couldn't let an underground hole of slavers go at the cost of my team.”

He nodded, recalling the famous mission on the news. His new boss at C-Sec, Executor Pallin, had commented that the woman would get a job done at any cost. Pallin said someone with little integrity would be perfect for the spectres. It wasn't a compliment at the time, but Garrus agreed and secretly liked that she took out evil with no qualms. 

The silence sank in. He wondered if she was reliving the mission or finally processing everything as he was. The loss she’d faced until now would be worth it. The galaxy was a safer place without Sovereign in it, and Saren. Would she be happy now? He glanced out the window. Would she be able to breathe? 

A soft snore made his ears tickle, answering his question.

He looked over, watching her heartbeat on the medical scanner, eyes shifting over her fiery fringe and warm skin. He wanted to say she looked harmless but stopped himself. A harmless woman wouldn’t save the galaxy with her own two hands so thanklessly. 

She snapped awake when he chuckled. “Shit—”

“We don’t have to talk now.” His mandibles opened as he grinned. 

Shepard breathed in, wincing. “No, no. I trust you. I can tell you.” The words humbled him. She swallowed and rubbed her head, recalling the short conversation. “What were we talking about?”

“You’re not a biotic.”

“Ah, right.” She nodded, rubbing her brow. “I’ve had the power as long as I can remember.”

He angled his head, trying to piece together her unknown past. “Were you a... uh, I mean, where’d you...?” 

“My father was a scientist. He made them, I think just for an emergency. Dad worked in biotics at some point, but by the time we moved to the colony, he’d only say he didn’t want to create weapons anymore.”

“You’re not a weapon, Shepard.”

“Not _me_ , Garrus, actual weapons.” 

“Oh.” He cleared his throat. “Regardless, wouldn’t the Alliance have found out?”

“I got them young, I don’t have scars.” 

He chuckled. “So your entire life you’ve never set off a metal detector?”

She scoffed. “Your guess is as good as mine, maybe I’m lucky. And I've had the same doctor for ages. It's not like Chawkwas is telling on me if she knows. Besides, I vowed to never use any weird biotics or whatever after Torfan.”

His eyes asked her why.

Now she chuckled, looking at the ceiling. “The mission was a success—that's what they called it. Good men died because of my call. I tore apart some of those batarian slavers myself. I used my power for evil, Garrus.”

Garrus hesitated, remembering Kaidan’s recount of the woman from the docks, the one freed from slavers. “But they _deserved_ it.” How couldn’t they? Anyone who’d enslave another life earned what they got in his bingo book.

It frustrated him when she shook her head, eyes sad. “My team didn’t.” 

He huffed and clicked his jaw, ready to lighten the mood. “Well, I’m grateful for whatever power you have. We defeated Saren.” His smile returned. “There’s a human saying, ‘Compliments to the chef’?”

A muffled pitch escaped her. “Dammit, don’t make me laugh, asshole.” She smiled, an arm snaked over her sore ribs, cringing. “But I agree, I’m glad it’s over, for now.” 

He nodded, a knock at the door drawing his attention. Liara entered with a look of relief over her face. “By the goddess, you’re awake.”

Garrus could smell a light-hearted whiff as their distance closed. He had the feeling that he was intruding and cursed at the tape that held him. To avoid eavesdropping, he gazed out the window, but he could feel their scents calming one another. Being around Shepard did that...

Species alike ran up and down the Citadel paths carrying wounded and cleaning up debris. It would soon be time to return to his duties at C-Sec, but he couldn’t help but smile over the mission’s success. 

“One hell of a vacation,” he whispered to no one, a hand over his stomach. 

* * *

Last Debriefing

Shepard sighed. “Do you have to go, Wrex?” 

The krogan laughed, patting her on the back. The weight of his hand made her cough. “It’s time I left, Shepard. It’s been good fighting with you. I’m grateful for you finding my family’s armor. Stop by Tuchanka someday, see some real action.”

She grinned. “Alright, alright, don’t get killed out there.”

The crew nodded to Wrex as he trudged out of the comm room, heavy steps echoing. Even Ashley managed a goodbye and well-wishes. To boot, she looked like she meant it.

Ashley sighed when the silence returned. “I wish we could stay and help the Alliance.”

The ship had left Citadel space immediately after her wounds healed. Their goal was to finish missions, but they had stopped for fuel.

“There are still geth to eradicate.” Shepard crossed her arms, pacing the room. The seats felt empty without Wrex and... Kaidan.

Tali’s chimed in, “Well, I’m glad to be staying. We may find something I can bring back to the flotilla on the geth.”

Shepard nodded. Liara hadn’t anywhere to go and opted to stay on board as well.

“Actually—I—uh.” They turned to Garrus. “C-Sec needs me… I figured I'd go since we’re back at the Citadel.”

He rubbed his neck awkwardly as Tali gasped in shock. 

“Right this moment?” She threw up her hands.

Garrus nodded, lowering his eyes. 

Shepard gave her signature smirk, having already known he was leaving. “All birds eventually fly the coop.”

He rolled his eyes at her words but smiled.

Tali made a sad sound but agreed. “I wish you the best, Garrus!” 

Liara spoke with compassion, “I can only imagine the chaos on the Citadel. Stay safe.” 

Garrus stood from his chair, somehow feeling as though he was saying goodbye forever. “Yeah, I plan to stay for a while, but if you’re ever saving the galaxy again...” The words left him, his shoulders falling. Spirits, could he be any worse at sentimental moments.

Shepard smiled, reading him. “I know, big guy.” She reached up to pat his shoulder, releasing slight energy that only he was aware of. “Take out the bad guys, and don’t catch too many red marks.”

“Take care out there,” Ashley mumbled.

His mandibles widened, smiling as he left, talons over his shoulder where she touched him. Following Wrex to the airlock, he already missed the adventure and the danger.

Silence.

Shepard whooshed out loud. “Joker, let’s get the hell out of this shit-show.”

*

“ **Haha! Where to, Ma’am?** ”

She rubbed her chin, “Earth’s moon is close, I want to help the situation there before we finish the last geth.”

“ **Aye, aye, setting a course.** ”

She dismissed the remaining crew. Their mission had only been a month or so, counting time was lost on her, but she’d grown to like each member. As comrades, she trusted them, and it pained her to admit she wished Wrex and Garrus could stay. Her fists tightened. _And Kaidan._

Joker’s comm light still lit.

“ **You know...”**

She smirked, crossing her arms. From his slow tone, she could tell where the conversation was going.

**“I got a copy of this new _cultural_ film.”**

“What a surprise.”

He laughed. **“Yeah, get this** — **it’s called _Cold_ of Duty. I think they shot it in Canada.”**

*

Shepard laughed. “Fine, send it to me.”

He affirmed her and gave an ETA for the Sol System before he clicked off.

She sighed, staring at nothing, a smile on her face that reached her ears. “I’m surrounded by idiots.” Maybe, and only _just_ maybe, socializing wasn’t such a bad thing.

_-The End of Mass Effect 1, to be continued in Part 2-_

Thank You

What did you think so far? ^.^


End file.
